Tarrador rising...
This past week I dealt with the “untimely” deaths of two people I barely knew, but who’s passings had tremedous impacts upon people I am somewhat close to.
Friday before last my friend’s husband was killed in a motorcycle accident at Spaghetti Junction. He was a musician who played in a band at several local bars and nightclubs. His wife sent out a general email asking for some of their friends to participate in a drumming circle at his memorial service. Her intention was to have a music and spirit-filled memorial that included singing, dancing, drinking, and merry-making to commemerate how he lived his life, and not focus on the tragedy of his death. She especially felt that drummng provided a great atmosphere for healing and recovery. I went to the memorial after work, but could only stay about an hour. As soon as they transitioned from the drumming to the other music I left. My friend, who looked very tired and brittle, said very little to me, which I understand completely since there were so many people saying variations of the same thing to her.
Thursday I got a series of phone calls from another friend while I was at work. The first three or four were with no message, but she finally left a message asking me to call her. I haven’t spoken with this friend for several months, so her calling was a surprise. I called her back and she told me, very tearlfully, that a co-worker/friend had died suddenly at work of a heart attack the day before. My friend was off that day, and did not find out about it until she came to work the following day. The two were very close and it upset her tremendously that no one thought to contact her, on top of the shock and grief of losing her close friend. Her friend was 42 years old and in relatively good health, so it was a huge shock to everyone. I could not talk to her then, but promised I would stop by after work and see her. I ended up spending nearly four hours at her house consoling her the best I could. She was completely shellshocked at the idea that someone she’d seen two days before, and had make weekend plans with, was no longer in the world, and never would be. I think this was the first person really close to her she’d ever lost.
I knew both of these people only marginally. Maybe that put me in a position to be a better receiver of grief as opposed to someone who would have been more emotionally effected by their deaths.
June has been a miserable month in general for me. Emotionally very low, accomplishments very low, inspiration very low. I had hoped to get a new job this month, but since my interviews I have heard absolutely nothing from the company. Three weeks ago they checked my references, all of which were outstanding, but still no call back, no email, nothing even telling me they chose another candidate or were putting hiring on hold or they had decided to go antother direction or anything. Just left me totally hanging, not even returning my phone calls. Since I was getting to this point in my calls, I decided that the best thing to do was just release it and not invest it with any sense of expectation. Easier to say than do.
Our new GM, the one who was supposed to make all the great changes, has been MIA for three weeks, laid up with a viral infection, we are told. Maybe he will be back on Monday, maybe not. No idea. Totally busy pair of weeks in a row. We came through it okay, although I was enourmously disappointed in BD’s performance when he was given the chance to lead; the one he’s been begging for. Despite my advice, my assistance, my support, he completely fumbled the assignments given him and let it all slide back on me. I think this is his definition of “team”... do all the talking about how good you are and let someone else actually prove it. I think he knows how hard my feeling are about it, too. Of course, his default response is not to take responsibility, review his actions and come back with more determination. His response is to get his feelings hurt, sulk, retreat, complain, and find a reason to shift the blame. Honestly, not someone I want in a teammate.
Wherever I need catching up, I failed to catch up. Wherever I needed to forge ahead, I failed to forge ahead. I let my work consume like the whale swallowed Jonah, I let a personal relationship and it’s apparent dissolution weigh on me far more than I should have, I’ve let my own health and fitness and enjoyment of life wither away even as I am confronted with the unpredictability and brevity of life. Maybe all things happen for a reason, but can anyone guarantee that it is the right reason?
Anyway, finished with this bootcamp. Looking towards the next one, but without the kind of conviction and sense of purpose I have had for the others. I know it is up to me to pull myself out of this funk, to move forward and to make my own reality. Right now I don’t have the level of energy reserves to make that transition. Since I won’t get a break from the grind to make a recovery, I have to clambor out of this morass on my own. The real truth is, and what it has taken me so many words to get to, is that I’ve been saying over and over to myself lately :“I’m unhappy with this life and I wish it was over with”. I’m not certain what I mean by “this life”, and it is not an especially positive mantra to keep repeating. But it is the truth and it needs to be acknowledged for anything to begin to change, which ever direction change takes.
