purple_lady “Difficulties break some men but make others.” -Nelson Mandela
Tomorrow is my 27th birthday. I have been complaining in a half joking way that I feel old. But honestly i dont feel close to 30 and I dont feel old, or young. I feel very reflective, but I think I need to spit out all these thoughts so they stop crowding around in my head and I can just enjoy the day tomorrow as I usually do.
I feel guilty for not really wanting children yet and also relieved I dont have any and mixed in with that I feel worried that I am somehow defficient as I dont feel very maternal toward any children I do come accross. Its like I had the broodiness for awhile about a year ago and it just dissapeared. I have always had a fear that one day when I do want children I will have trouble conceiving. And I fear I wont be a good mother, that having children will frustrate me somehow. I strongly suspect this is to do with my own mother and all the issues she had as we grew up. So even though husband is not putting any pressure on me I cant be comfortable with my descision to wait on the kids thing, I turn it over and over in my own mind, wondering if Im wrong to feel this way. Whenever I see people with kids they are struggling with the whining and the demands and the crying etc and all I feel is, thank god its not me. I like my sleep and independance, I like being a little selfish. I should just be happy and enjoy my life then- but my stupid brain keeps telling me I should want something else.
I am truly grateful that we have some more financial stability thanks to my new job. Whatever faults it may have it pays well. Again with the guilt-I feel guilty that I get paid more than husband and that he works much harder than me. I cant help the fact that I grew up with the idea that the mans role in a marriage is to be the main provider and it makes me a little uncomfortable to be the one earning more. I know it makes him a little uncomfortable too. We just have to get past it I guess. In other aspects of our relationship we have really become stonger and closer so, although it is a niggle, I dont think this will be a major issue we cant resolve. We both just need to get over it and be grateful and happy that we have enough.
I dont know where Im headed in this career. I had always expected I would have my own practice and just be a homeopath. Now that I am working at a corporate I am both excited by the new challenges and also shocked at how differently my career is taking shape. I am surprisingly well adapted to the corporate environment. I discovered some ambition I had no idea I ever had in me. Now I have to re assess where I want to go in life career wise. I will always practice homeopathy, I am setting up a non profit clinic to run in my spare time, but in terms of earning this is a whole new direction. I have to admit I find it exciting.
Weight issues have been much less impotant to me, I dnt feel like I even have time to think about weight too much. And surprisingly I seem to be losing weight anyway.
Health issues are one thing I need to look at from next month. I am guitly of having put of getting some serious hormonal issues seen to because I have been waiting for my medical aid cover to become active. I will sort it all out after august
wow, I feel lighter having gotten all this out of my brain:)
Onward! to the birthday cake and presents tomorrow…