zdechlinka no more excuses!
A lot of things have happened since I last posted on 43things and I have a lot to say. Therefore this post is going to be really long.
Here I go:
I met a guy. There is something going on but we’re not technically dating and I don’t think we ever will be (one of the reasons might be the 1800-kilometer distance between our hometowns). But that’s not the point.
We met when he and his band were playing a show in my uni town and after the concert, we got to talking and he turned out to be a really great person. We stayed in touch and before I could even start to panic, 2 weeks after we had met, I did the most impulsive thing in my whole life and booked a flight to England. It was tough to make my parents accept the fact that I made such a decision without consulting them but I payed for myself, so there was really little to talk about.
Although I don’t think they’re really ok with it even now, 3 weeks after I’ve returned.
It was crazy and irresponsible but the second I booked that flight, I knew this would be the beginning of something amazing. I didn’t ask anyone for their permission, it was my own decision. I knew that from that very point, everything would be different.
And it was.
That week in England was incredible. I had so much fun, met so many amazing people and I had a chance to take a look into a musician’s life and all the incredible things he’s doing.
He’s done so many great things and he’s got me so motivated, I knew it would change everything.
So I really started to think: Why have I been having such difficulties getting out of my comfort zone and becoming the active person I have always wanted? How have I become so comfortable with being sluggish and indifferent, even though getting out of my bubble and doing something so careless as spending a week in England made me so incredibly happy?
Then I realized it’s pretty simple. I’ve been stuck in my comfort zone (and I’m pretty sure it’s not just me, a lot of people have that) because I’ve got used to being safe.
I’ve become scared of making mistakes, of becoming vunerable and exposed to getting hurt.
It’s always easier to just stay put, do my little thing without having to worry about making any mistakes – because mistakes are bad.
Or at least that’s what people say. But it’s not true.
People do mistakes to learn from them. Mistakes are good. They push you forward.
And if you’re not prepared to be wrong, you’ll never come up with anything original. (Ken Robinson says that in his TED talk.. He also talks about how schools kill creativity in us: http://www.ted.com/talks/ken_robinson_says_schools_kill_creativity.html )
After all this thinking (and spending an incredible week in lovely Birmingham), I decided that I needed to get away from all the negative influence in my life and grasp the opportunity to experience new things.
So, as soon as I graduate from uni, I’m going abroad.
It doesn’t matter where I’m gonna go and whether it’s going to be for a year or for the rest of my life, the point is to be in love with every second of my life, with every little thing I do, as I was during that week in B-ham. And that unfortunatelly cannot be achieved here, in this house.
I hate to admit it (and I’d hate to sound like a teenager) but it is because of my parents. I know that all young people have difficult relationships with their parents, but to be honest, I don’t think this is ever going to change.
Hurtful things have been said and done and there’s too much unresolved to deal with it like a normal family. It is really complicated and I don’t want to get into it here because it truly hurts me that my father hasn’t hugged me for 10 years. No matter how hard I try, I cannot remember the last time he talked to me without that contemptuous sneer.
Of course I could just move out. But what the hell, I’m young, I speak 5 languages and I wanna go places!
I might go to Berlin, Stockholm (boy, I love that place), Kraków or even Birmingham (at least I know there’s someone to have a beer with).
I’m not running away from my problems. I’m simply taking responsibility of my own life and carefully eliminating things that don’t let me breath freely (and that send secret “you’re gonna find a better girl” texts to my ex-boyfriends).
I’ve never been more sure with any decision. I know I’m doing the right thing.
I’m so happy..