hurts my heart because I went through something similar two years ago. I was dating a guy who had a child & he was always making plans around “his family” and never including me fully or making me any kind of a priority. And I stuck with him for a while because he supposedly loved me, but in the end I didn’t matter all that much or he would’ve been able to prove it to me. Two years later I am happy to say I’m free of him because I can open myself up to finding someone that loves me enough to show me everyday.

I hope that in the end this situation resolves itself in the way that will make you the most happy, whatever that is. And if along the way you need to talk to someone, you know where to find me :)

Your mother is correct when she says his plans might change when he gets back to Michigan. But that doesn’t change the fact that he was thinking of major changes for his life and your thoughts and feelings were not taken into consideration.

Regardless of what he decides to do when he returns, you have to do what’s best for you.

Good luck :)

and wanted to respond to your post, but I wasn’t in a position to write until now. Work all day, go to grocery, cook dinner, clean kitchen etc. Now though, you have my undivided attention.

You remind me very much of myself in a lot of ways, my 18 something self all the way up to about my 50 year old self (I am 57 now)

I was always kind of shy and never had a boyfriend until I was out of high school. My first “boyfriend” was kind of like a “toe in the water experiement” for 3 months (3 months too long) Then when I was 19 I met my first husband . . . the love of my life . . . I thought. We married 5 years after we met and were married for 10 years before we separated. We had 3 children. So this was a “forced” separation as he went to prison. The thing that he did was most unthinkable and it made me realize after a time (it took a while because I was shocked and stressed and had to go to therapy for a really long time) but what I realized was that I NEVER knew who he was. I knew who he wanted me to think that he was and he certainly did not know who I was because he didn’t have too. I was so busy running around making his life good and wonderful and making certain he had everything he wanted that I never took the time to make him see me.

After about 4 years passed and I was trying my damnest to be a mom and a person a series of circumstances caused me to meet this man. We had a most odd relationship that left people scratching their heads from here to there. His name was Lance and he was gay . . . extremely gay. For whatever reason we took a real liking to each other and we became “companions” for lack of a better word. We were ridiculously close and even kind of lived together. We met some need in each other clearly. We were only in this relationship for about 2 1/2 years as he had AIDS and passed away. I was pretty fucking devastated over his death and it took me a long time and a whole lot more therapy to move on from him. Actually the truth be known, there are still times when I long to see him again even after all these years. I learned something from Lance though, something really important, I learned what it was to have a true give and take relationship. I told someone once right after he died that I felt like I had been widowed and he said, hell yeah you’ve been widowed. You two were a freakin’ married couple. We shared eveything with each other. We always thought about the other when we were making plans, There was give and take in our relationship and consideration and fun and seriousness. It wasn’t always 50/50, I doubt that any relationship is, but it always balanced out at the end of the day (or the week) We never had sex. We were both sexually frustrated, but we never had sex. That was the only thing missing.

So I dated for the next several years, like 5 maybe. Nothing serious ever. I think that I was getting stronger and knowing who I was and not really wanting to sell out anymore just to have a man. I now knew what a balanced rlationship looked like and felt like. I was “armeda”, except that I had gone a little too far the other way. First I was a door mat and then I was, I don’t know, whatever the opposite of a doormat was. So I was going through men like crazy. I think I made them feel inferior. I had a house, owned my car outright, made a shit load of money etc. I didn’t “need” anyone. I could do everything myself, for myself.

I had two more bullshit relationships that seemed like they were going to be O.K. in the beginning and then they weren;t. One lasted 1 year, the other lasted 4 years!!! YEEPS!!!!

All the time though, I would think about what was going on (when I would realize what was going on). I wasn’t seing a therapist anymore, but I could remember the dance we would would do to get me back on track and to make me stop feeling like a big ole looser. Big ole loser because I would throw my heart and soul into a relationship, no holding back and then it would fall apart. I think that it always fall apart because I never demanded anything for myself. It was always give give give, make everything nice for the other person, make the other person feel safe happy blah blah and ask for nothing in return. By the time I would ask for somehing back, the pattern was set and it would be for naught.

When I met Mr. Hippiechick, I was totally NOT looking for a man. I was comfortable wih myself and I hadn’t “given up”, I was just not looking. I was comfortable being by myself or with someone. I had some goals that I had set for myself and I was working on seeing hm through. I had become happy with myself. So when I met Mr. Hippiechick, I was perfectly fine with my life, but I did think he was awfully cute and I thought I might like to “go for a tumble” with his guy. We went out a couple times to dinner mosly and I told him one night that I didn’t need to be married and I didn’t need to have kids. I had done both of those and the only thing i was looking for was to have fun. That was all I wanted. He was the one who eventually said he wanted more, but I went into it expecting nothing.

I realize you are a lot younger than I was at that point and that you do want to be married and that you do want to have kids. I fully understand that. I am just saying that you need to take a minute or two (or longer) to think about what it is that YOU want and what you do not want from a relationship. Don’t settle for someone who is not willing to hear who you are. I don’t know you really well, but the brief glimpses that I have gotten from you make me think that you place yourself second all the time. YOU ARE IMPORTANT!!! YOU DESERVE TO BE HEARD!!!

I am not sure what is going on with he cowboy, but it seems that he is a little emotionally unstable right now. I know nothing of his previous mariage/relationship but he fact that he has custody of his girls makes me think there was some pretty big instability there. Maybe he doesn’t know how to be in a good relationdhip. Maybe it scares him. Maybe you give more than he can handle. (Like a kid at an all you can eat ice cream buffet . . . he is overwhelmed) At any rate, whaever his problem is, it is his problem, except that his problem is hurting you deeply and now it is your problem too.

I wish I knew what to tell you to make this all go away. To make the cowboy see the light, to help ease your pain, but I don’t.

Part of me thinks that you should point out the flaws in his big fat plan and part of me thinks that you should just let him fall on his face. I really don’t know the right answer. the only thing that I know for certain is that you have to start making yourself more important or no one else ever will. I’m talking about boyfriends and all the rest of your friends too. I want you to start thinking about how you would like to see your life and your relationships. How would it be if others heard you and not just you always hearing them? I don’t think that deep down you place a lot of importantance on yourself and your needs, at least not enough to be assertive enough to have them met at least half way.

I think you have a lot to offer. I have been following your posts for a while now. I would like to see you happy. I really wish this for you more than anything and I know it’s possible,..

(((((((((( HUGS ))))))))))

^{I’ll get off my soap box now and I hope I made some kind of sense and wasn’t too know it all, becasue I actually know very little a lot of the time.}

You’ve written several posts about this person, and over and over again you write about disappointments, pain, and the need to withdraw from this relationship.

So do it.

Being alone sucks, but constantly having your heart broken is no way to treat yourself.

If all he wants out of life is to get a job at Wal-mart, he could just as easily get a job at one near you.

He sounds like he has a lot to work out, it might be years and years before he is more stable, and unfortunately, he might never get there.

He might also just not feel that you are “the one” for him, but allows the relationship to continue because you don’t seem to expect much.

There has to be someone in your city that would be good for you. You have a home, a stable job, and you seem like a good person. There’s no reason for you to be short of options. No reason to have to travel halfway across the country to be with someone who is nowhere near ready for a serious relationship.

Take care of yourself, cultivate a good life on your own, spend some time on hobbies and interests that nurture you, and sooner or later, once you care a lot about yourself and know how to be happy on your own, you will meet someone. At that point, you will have some needs and demands, and this person will respect you for having them, and he will be ready with his own self-respect.

You will know him, because he will make you part of his life quickly and joyfully.

I just hope you are looking at this with your eyes wide open.

As soon as you realize that fear is based in your mind and it’s so much worse there than reality, you will be able to start living the life you’ve always imagined! Go ahead. Try something you’ve always wanted! I dare ya. ;) ♥