Lost Wayfarer Is shining is all her individuality and GREATNESS!
July 30, 2012
I found myself in a situation once again with the Cowboy. He visiting his younger brother in Mississippi. I am glad that he was having a wonderful time, but I knew that he would start dreaming about the possibilities down there and it was a matter of time when I hear him say “I want to move down here”.
So I wasn’t surprised when he started talking about the jobs that his brother and Sister-in-law have at Walmart and how well they do. I was very happy that he was encouraged. He then told me how he wanted to get me down there so I could see New Orleans. I told him that I would love that and we could make a plan for it next year. They he said, that he would probably already be down there, as he was planning on moving down once the school year was over. He then told me his new plan in life. He was going to get a job at Walmart in Monroe, MI and then transfer down to Mississippi when the school year was over.
Of course, I saw some glaring flaws in his plan, but I didn’t discourage him at all. I wanted him to be encouraged and motivated! The major thing I was worrying about was child care for his girls so he COULD work. That is the main problem why he doesn’t have a job now, as he is trying to find either the State to help him or find a realiable babysitter to do that for him. The 2nd thing is that the Family Court won’t just allow him to leave the State of Michigan with those girls to move to Mississippi. He will have to ask to transfer, and some kind of visitation schedule will have to be set up for the mother to see them (which means time and money) The Court will want to see that he has a job and home that will stablize the girls. (I know because I do this for a living)
Curious, as he was making all these new plans, and never mentioned me. So I asked a simple question. I asked him if I was in his new plans. I didn’t get an answer that night, as I fell asleep, but when I woke up. I found out.
He said “NO….I am leaving Michigan regardless. But you are welcome to tag along and take a shot at it with me.”
It wasn’t the most encouraging thing to read first thing in the morning. Of course, I din’t answer back, because I had no idea how to say anything at all. He ended up asking me if I was upset with his new plans. I then told him that I wasn’t upset with him having new plans, I was just upset that I wasn’t a part of them or even in them. I told him that it tells me alot. He then went on to tell me that he was sorry about that, but he was thinking about him and his girls. (which I do understand) And that he wanted to get out of Monore, MI and get away from this parents and his ex-wife and her family. He then said that I was reluctant to move from my home and my job and it was a risk for me. And that we might not able to live together as he is quirky and, even thought we have spend alot of time together over the last year, we have never lived together. He never said another thing to all day.
Well, I never said anything to him, as I was kind in shock about it. The Cowboy knows that I own my own home, and have worked at the same job for 14 years. It isn’t that I am reluctant to move. I am cautious on making a major step like moving to another state unprepared, especially with a man that I will be depending on, as I will be selling what I own, and giving up my stable job. I don’t do that on a whim. It takes a planning and communication.
I guess what hurts the most, is that in all of this planning, I am in it. I am not in it, because I am not important to him. I know where I stand now. I am just some enjoyable “activity” friend, which he can go to parks, ride bikes with, watch his girls, yet I am not special enough to him to be someone that he wants to keep close. I am not that type of woman to him.
I think I am done with him. My heart has been hurting since last night. My mother called (which she rarely does) and told me that he has is rose-colored glasses on and only sees that he wants to see and things will come into reality for him once he gets to Michigan again. My mother said he might come back and get a job at Walmart and he might not. He might do alot of things, but until he does them, I shouldn’t worry too much.
I worry, because my heart is invovled. I have to decide to cut my ties, withdrawl emotionally and take my eyes off him. It will be so very hard, because I do love him with my all my heart and his girls too.
So I probably won’t be focusing on my goals on here as much, as I will be focusing on my goals In-The-Moment, which might be some of the goals on here, but I just won’t be posting as I have in the past. I just have to focus on not falling into depression, as I feel myself sinking into. I have too many emotions going on. I feel worthless and useless, where before I felt special and loved.
Honestly, as mature as I am trying to be, and as logical as my heart will allow at the moment. I really hate my life. He was so much a part of it, and I have to rip it out and do repair work again.
Sigh. . .