I find the concept of a ‘true love’ as naive and immature. A friend of mine really surprised me today by talking about it and describing some abstract notion of hers. I was so surprised by her talk as in other ways I find her quite mature and realistic.

According to her anything other than ‘idealistic beautiful never hurting each other kind of love’ isn’t really classed as ‘love’. How if one hurts the other (even with unkind words) then they can’t really love each other as that’s not love, according to her.

I find this very strange. How she finds it inconceivable that a couple of 20yrs share ‘love’ if say the husband sleeps around.

She’s not the first one to say this to me. I remember how I found it incredibly hurtful how when I split with from an ex 4yrs ago, how we’d lived together and been together for 2.5yrs, how people denied that he’d loved me because he’d been violent towards me. It baffled me how easily a couple of friends of mine told me that he didn’t actually love me. sorry?!! On what authority do they talk?!! Who are they to dictate what ‘love’ is. He was mentally ill and on meds, he came off them and got violent. Did this one act really annul all the love he’d felt for me prior?

Rant over…

oh, to answer the annoying question:
No, but I believe in love.
and love comes in many different forms and no-one has the right to dictate what constitute ‘love’.

I believe in love. I believe in true love. I believe it needs to not only be built but also maintained. You don’t find someone and automatically fall in true love with them. You find someone you like, or maybe even lust after and you get to know them. You build a foundation with them for love to grow on. If that foundation deteriorates, the trueness of the love fades and eventually the love itself dies altogether.

I also believe that when someone truly loves someone, they wouldn’t ever be able to bring themselves to hurt or abuse that person because it would hurt them just as much, make them sick to their stomach, etc. Abuse of any sort sets that foundation for love on fire and it burns away if the act is repeated or extremely hurtful.

I suppose the notion of “true love” as we understand it can sound quite arbitrary and in fact superficial as it sort of denies love its complexity. ^{What a boring introduction !}

I loved my ex probably more than anything. I don’t think I’ll find anyone I’ll love as much as her. Yet she was insecure and at times felt that I didn’t “really” love her, or that I loved her like a “friend” (another notion that’s pretty arbitrary to me, as if the brain had distinct compartments for each of those artificial categories : “oh yeah, I love her more like a friend”, “wait, it’s physical attraction only”, “oh, real love, check !”).

It’s also a messed up question to me when people ask “who do you love more/did you love more” etc, as if love was a countable figure. I think you love each person in a different way, I don’t believe anyone can “steal” the love that you have/had for someone else, I think you can love several people at the same time, just in a different way, no one’s stealing anyone’s portion, you just give a different portion to everybody, love multiplies imo so you don’t have to divide it between people. When I eat a darn good cake, I don’t stop to ask myself whether I like it more than feijao or pizza or fruit salad, I just enjoy it for what it is, and I try to treat individuals the same. I dislike unfaithfulness 100% but the notion that the feeling of love has to be somehow exclusive to one person (until you break up/get divorced, that is, then you find a new true love miraculously !) is a pretty flawed notion to me and sounds a bit like mental illness.

Now about your ex, if you believe he truly loved you, then he likely did. Now, if he was violent to you, then I’ll say he clearly could have loved you better, but does that mean his love wasn’t true or deep ? Certainly not. ^{Just that he was kind of an asshole ! I’m sorry, I just don’t like violence.} Then again my ex could be very insensitive and emotionally abusive, that doesn’t mean she didn’t love me… And, what do we even mean by love ? Is it wanting someone to be happy, or wanting to own them, be loved by them ? We basically use the same word “love” to describe two very different things, altruism and desire. Hence some people saying “jealousy is love” and other people saying “no, real love is letting her go”. It’s hard to know which one is “real” love when we only have one word :)

Anyway, I often use the word “lurve” around here (even have a goal named after it) precisely because I find the word “love” snobbish, dramatic and thrown around too much. It’s a short, cold, stuck-up word, unlike lurve which is so suave ! and silly-sounding (shouldn’t we be humble and accept the futile dimension of love ?).

Bla bla bla… Nobody loves me, I love no one, so I don’t care :)

likely exists, whether we get to experience it or not. It’s kind of like the concept of monkeys typing out drivel forever and ever with the belief that inevitably one of them will stumble across the complete works of Shakespeare. I’d like to think that true love isn’t quite that rare, and if it is, I sure hope it isn’t flawed – not with that kind of odds.
Some abstract thoughts:
I wish the offer of true love didn’t come with nasty thorns that stick in one’s backside. I wish true love would reveal itself as true love from the get-go, but maybe it does and we are clueless about the signposts. I wonder if love is only true love if it is eternal. I think the notion that one’s first love is one’s true love is rubbish. I suspect true love is part chemistry, part passion, part desire, part comfort, part friendship, part obsession and part alchemy. I don’t think true love is built. I think aiming for or hoping to manufacture true love is an attempt to build.
If I can have and offer true love in this lifetime, I really wish to know this very minute and not forty years on. By then I’d settle for anything still moving, I just know it.

because I have it.

I think maybe to build that you must start with something and that something has to be a belief in it to begin with.

I think that you have to “find” or encounter the possibility/probability of true love to build it.

All in all, I think the building is incidental. It is the nourishing, the belief in it, the lucky encounter … the recognition…

Is there love that isn’t true? If you feel it, isn’t it real?

I don’t understand.

True love is true because the’trueness’ is determined only by each individual. It may not be what someone else construes as true love as each situation is different, but that does not, and should not, mean it is not true for that person. Indeed love sometimes finds us rather than us finding it.

Plus love is not handed to us on demand on a plate and, like a plant, needs nurturing. Thus speaks Molliemoonlight!

Mothers sacrificing their basic instinct to feed by giving what little food they have to their children. Thats got to be true love right?

I think that love consists of three types:

1. Instinctive love (like the love of a mother to baby)...which one could argue is merely an adaptation of a surviving species. Example…the babies in Africa could not survive if someone did not sacrifice. So, not protecting the young would quickly kill of those genetics making them null.

2. Childlike love…loving something because of it’s effect on you. Children love candy, ice cream and rollarcoaster rides because they make them happy. It’s just like I love cheese, wine, sex and silk sheets because they all make me feel good. I would classify most romantic relationships like this, especially teen relationships.

3. Unconditional love…loving someone no matter what based on the fact that they simply are. I think this form of love is the rarest…or at least the rarest from human from.human. In order to love someone unconditionally you must know what they are and see them for their flaws as well as what’s great about them. You have to be able to appreciate that every facet of them makes up the hole and even love them for the flaws. I think our pets love us unconditionally….your dog doesn’t care if you commited adultery, shot another person in the face, couldn’t get it up, or cut someone off in traffic today; your dog is just happy to see you and be near. I think it’s hard for most people to think like that because we forget that there is life outside of ourselves.

With all that in mind, I in no way believe in a form of love where everything is happy and no one pisses anyone of. All forms of love can be hard: mom’s are known to get post pardum depression, candy can give you a tummy ache, and even unconditional love is a street paved with harsh honesty because without truth unconditional love cannolt exist and let’s face it. Sometimes the truth really does hurt.

Apologies for spelling errors I am on my mobile and do not take as much care due to ytiny button being a pain in my bum.

but here I am.

I feel that culture has labelled “true love” as what is really more like “infatuation”. It’s that first, knocked over with a feather, butterflies and light headedness that we feel when we meet someone incredible. For a while, this person seems without flaws, there hasn’t been an arguement yet, and no one has any problems with each other’s family.

I don’t know that a relationship has to be perfect to be true love, nor that it has to last forever.

True love might be pretty different for different people.

I think that one person hurting another DELIBERATELY does mean that it isn’t true love. A lack of willingness to acknowledge a hurtful action, or to change hurtful habits is the same as deliberate harm.

There are lots of relationships that have unhealthy dynamics, and that indicates a less than true love, because there are too many elements of selfishness or manipulation.

I can’t begin to describe what true love is for everyone, but I can only offer what I know.

True Love: a recognition and tolerance for each other’s shortcomings. A willingness by each partner to strengthen their weak areas.

Helping each other achieve dreams and goals.

Supporting each other in times of vulnerability.

Respect for each other as complete persons, separate from the relationship.

Respect for people and animals that the other partner loves.

Respect that the other person does not have to obey you, and is free to question your judgement and actions in a respectful way.

I’m going to say that finding each other mutually attractive is part of the equation, but what people choose to do with it after that is their own business.

Giving attention and affection to each other freely, without distance, and without manipulation.

Honest and open communication. Understanding the power of words to build or destroy trust.

Shared values, some shared interests, some shared goals.

Enough space between you to let the love in.

I think the POTENTIAL for true love is what is FOUND when people begin a relationship, but it is deliberately built stronger and maintained through conscious effort and willingness.

Coincidentally I write this on the 21st anniversary of my wedding day.

As a young woman I was scared to love because of a horrible experience that my older sister had when she was in her late teens. But eventually I came to trust that my life would not be like hers, and I wanted to share a life with someone.

I have been lucky to find a love that has grown with me, that has been tolerant of my quirks and my failings. But I too, have realized that love is a tremendous give-and-take, and how I notice this very moment that “give” comes before “take” in this expression. Some days I feel like I give more than I get. But other days I feel like I’ve been supplied with a huge leeway of what I’ve done or not done to be considered a part of the partnership.

I don’t think I believe in true love as something entirely magical, but I do know that I relied on a trust in something outside of me to give it a go in what I consider rather permanent—marriage. It has resulted in something most essential and unimaginably rewarding to my current well-being.