There’s that whole getting rejected thing last night. Sucks. First time in 2.5 years I’ve made somewhat of a move and again, faced hardcore rejection. I know that in the end it doesn’t matter, that we’ll all be gone and living scattered across the country in a few months, but still. It’s hard to see everyone else getting married or at least have someone in their life and then here’s me, completely alone. How to people meet? How does everyone find each other? I thought this was a good thing going on, but now it just feels like a huge slap in the face. As always.
This morning I was cc: on an email from my boss. Shouldn’t check my email on my day off, shouldn’t have read the whole message. Basically he’s sending me to a ‘training’ that I’ve been wanting to go to (which is great!) but the original email was something along the lines of “do you think it would be worth your time to train Anne?” and later “let me know if you think it would be worth it or not.” GEE. Let’s talk about how you REALLY feel.
I have this pain in my chest that if I weren’t 26 might cause me to think heart attack. But I know it’s just the closely related condition of “heartbreak.” It’s funny how you can actually physically feel it.
I wish I had someone to talk to about all of this. I haven’t talked to S, with whom I (thought) I had become quite close in the past year, since I moved here 6 months ago. She’s “super busy” all the time. Haven’t talked to L since I moved here, either. She’s got a job she hates and is very stuck in a rut. I imagine that makes her want to go home and just crash on the couch. Talked to K the other day, which was really nice. Planning on seeing if she wants to get lunch in a few months when I move home. Waiting for N to get online; he messaged me last night that he was so sorry about the rejection and wished he hadn’t missed my message. Waiting to skype with my German, too…I debated because he’s always so happy to talk with me and right now I’m just kind of like “yeah, got stabbed in the heart” – we’ve never talked about relationships so it would be weird to bring it up. Plus he’ll be flying here in a month to see me…I doubt he wants to hear about me pursuing some other dude regardless of our platonic status.
There’s a guy back home that I hang out with sometimes. We sit and chat and he’s always so depressing, he’s too old to be stuck in such a rut. 80% of the time when we make plans, he cancels them. The 20% that we do hang out is nice. Last year we went on long drives and listened to music and talked. He tells me I give great hugs and kisses me goodbye. Is that all I’m worth? 20% of a manchild’s priority, because it’s nice to just spend time with someone and hugs make me feel better. Really?!
I wish my heart didn’t hurt so much.