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Absnasm Thanks 43T. You made me and my life better. I'll miss you very much.

Find new, true and better friends. (read all 2 entries…)
How the fuck does one do this when you're in your late 30s?

I am feeling really lonely this weekend. I am afraid I am losing the ability to relate to people. I don’t seem to be able to have conversations in a normal way – it’s like my cueing is off or something, we just seem to interrupt each other and I feel like I can’t connect. I have little to say to other people. I don’t know how to relate to women, especially. My experiences with female friends have often been very sour. And while HA has been a very close friend to me since our split, he is very much slipping away from me now as he is absorbed into his new life in London. That is fair enough, we have split up, but it still hurts a lot.

I’ve met a few women that I’d quite like to be friends with. But how do you do that when you’re unlikely to meet them repeatedly and organically create a friendship? You can’t exactly ask them on a date.

I sometimes feel like I’m inflicting myself on others rather than being able to comprehend that they might want to spend time with me. Being cut off by my former friends has damaged me pretty badly. I have little faith in myself as a likeable person right now. I’ve been rejected for being who I am and having (and showing) the feelings that I do. And it happened at the most vulnerable time of my life, while I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, in the middle of my long-term relationship collapsing and my one chance at parenthood being snatched away from me. I have always accepted my friends and loved them unconditionally, with all their feelings and faults and behaviours with which I felt uncomfortable. Why was I not extended the same courtesy?

It seems easier just to be alone than to put myself through the potential pain of rejection again. I do OK on my own most of the time. I have friends that live in other towns, I can call them whenever I want. And I have my boyfriend, of course, he is ace (though he’s away this weekend). But I don’t think it’s fair for either of us for me to be dependent on him for company. Sometimes I really wish I had a friend that I could just hang out with, nice and easy, on a Sunday afternoon.


Theskysthelimit1976 Searching for Sky

Have you ever

tried meetup? ( I recently moved away from home, became a stay at home mom, and felt REALLY alone…. (I’m mid 30’s)

I get what you are saying about feeling like you can’t get “in synch” with your conversations with people…. spending so much time alone or just with the baby made me feel “out of practice”? Almost as if I’m not in the conversation but standing outside of the conversation judging myself or my words… judging how the conversation is going. So unlike my extroverted socially aware self. I was so desperate to make and hold onto friends that I found myself saying awkward things and I’m like “who is this????” I really couldn’t recognize myself.

Meetup was a way for me to find other people in my are with similar interests. And depending on where you live I guess, there are soooooooooooo many meetups about sooooooo many different things you are bound to find some people to connect with. So as I started being more social again, that “out of synch” stuff just went away and I feel I came back to my “normal” self.

Now I’m working on gaining my self esteem back… my inlaws have “rejected” me in a sense bc they don’t like my more natural approach to parenting…. it really hurts. I realized that quite a bit of my self worth has been coming from what other people think about me as opposed to coming from within… a true belief that I am good regardless of what I do, say, act on, or agree with… even when I am rejected, I should still be able to recognize how good I am… I starting this new goal today.

I hope you feel better, and I know your true friends are just waiting for you to find them. They are out there scratching their heads wondering where you are too.

Hope I am not being to forward in offering my story… just wishing you the best.

(This comment was deleted.)

Cloudberry is a tomato plant with her roots nestled in rich compost.

you're not alone

in being alone. It is hard to connect with people when you’re used to a having a certain social life around you. And it does suck when people can’t listen to your stuff because of (usually) their own stuff.

Meetup is a great idea. You can set up get-togethers around shared interests wherever you like. In Cambridge, for example, there are Spanish conversation groups pretty much every day. I don’t know, maybe you could set up a group to talk about vegetarian cooking, and once you’ve got to know people, organise a group dinner?

Hugs and strength! I keep saying to A that I’ve never really been to your bit of the country (except going through on the train). Someday soon I hope! xx

calypte excited about 2014!

definitely not alone!

And I wish I lived much closer!

I’ve also lost the knack of speaking to people. After all this studying – years and years of locking myself away and making excuses from social events – I find myself fairly stranded. I love my own company, but it’s getting a bit of a joke (particularly with me not working right now – I can go a week speaking to no one except my dad!).

One suggestion, if you’ll forgive the overwhelming cliche, is indeed that old chestnut about joining a group. I went out yesterday to meet up with the NaNoWriMo people, and I totally totally see the whole ‘take up a hobby’ thing – I’m going to spend the next four Saturdays or so sitting chatting to these folk about a common interest, which takes all the pressure off making smalltalk, and shows the absolutely best side of me as it’s something I’m genuinely passionate about!

The Warrior Queen & The Jellied Eel is grateful for all that 43T was and always will be. LOVE YOU! xx

Damned distance...

...we could have been spending an awesomely lazy Sunday together!

I’m not good at making friends and am even worse at keeping them (44 years old and I have 3 friends, possibly 2 as one has been out of touch for ages) so I don’t really have any tried and tested suggestions. Clubs seem like a good idea in principle but I’m not much of a ‘joining’ person so that doesn’t work for me. I do agree with Molotov that if you’re comfortable doing it, it’s totally ok to ask potential friends on a ‘date’.

Sorry, that’s not at all helpful is it? It’s packed with sympathy though. You’re far too awesome a person to be feeling lonely; I’m sure some equally awesome and sociable people will rock up into your life soon.

nicolasc has left the building. 43T and the friends I made will always be special to me.

I wish I lived closer, too.

To both you AND WQJE. And several other sorts on 43T. But I’ve already met you and WQJE, and I know you’re both fantastic.

I agree with Molotov and others, there’s no use saying, “Hey, are you available Thursday? Wanna grab a coffee?” If they accept, great, and remember to wrap up the coffee “date” before things start getting awkward – better to end on a good note than an awkward note. If they decline, then the ball’s in their court. Let them extend an invitation to you the next time if they are interested. In the meantime, you can invite other potential friends.

(A movie is a good one, too, because you don’t have to talk during the movie, but you have something to talk about afterwards.)

::shakes fist at sky::

Darn you, oversized globe!! Wish I could come and eat Yorkshire pudding on your couch again!

The Warrior Queen & The Jellied Eel is grateful for all that 43T was and always will be. LOVE YOU! xx

Wish, wish, wish

we could shrink the globe and all be round the corner from each other!

Good ideas

from Molotov and Sky! Try putting out a light-hearted suggestion or two, as Molotov said. One of my housemates recently had a Sex & The City evening, which involved a box set of S&TC, a little glamming-up and a few cocktails. Maybe something like that, tailored to the TV show of your choice? looks useful. I haven’t tried it yet, but strangely, I was checking it out for my own (very similar) purposes just yesterday! You live near a big town, so there should be quite a few things going on within range.

Do you still go to Zumba? You could try inviting someone new along to that – perhaps someone at work whose company you enjoy. Activities involving physical exercise are supposed to be particularly good for making friends…

nicolasc has left the building. 43T and the friends I made will always be special to me.

That's a good idea

about finding someone at Zumba!

hopena Bye! ♥♥♥

I read the book by this author, last Summer

She writes about her search for new local friends, after moving to be with her husband.

I know something of how you feel, so I’ve been in similar circumstances for years. If only my online friends lived closer.

Absnasm has gotten 13 cheers on this entry.


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