Absnasm is mostly elsewhere.
I am feeling really lonely this weekend. I am afraid I am losing the ability to relate to people. I don’t seem to be able to have conversations in a normal way – it’s like my cueing is off or something, we just seem to interrupt each other and I feel like I can’t connect. I have little to say to other people. I don’t know how to relate to women, especially. My experiences with female friends have often been very sour. And while HA has been a very close friend to me since our split, he is very much slipping away from me now as he is absorbed into his new life in London. That is fair enough, we have split up, but it still hurts a lot.
I’ve met a few women that I’d quite like to be friends with. But how do you do that when you’re unlikely to meet them repeatedly and organically create a friendship? You can’t exactly ask them on a date.
I sometimes feel like I’m inflicting myself on others rather than being able to comprehend that they might want to spend time with me. Being cut off by my former friends has damaged me pretty badly. I have little faith in myself as a likeable person right now. I’ve been rejected for being who I am and having (and showing) the feelings that I do. And it happened at the most vulnerable time of my life, while I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, in the middle of my long-term relationship collapsing and my one chance at parenthood being snatched away from me. I have always accepted my friends and loved them unconditionally, with all their feelings and faults and behaviours with which I felt uncomfortable. Why was I not extended the same courtesy?
It seems easier just to be alone than to put myself through the potential pain of rejection again. I do OK on my own most of the time. I have friends that live in other towns, I can call them whenever I want. And I have my boyfriend, of course, he is ace (though he’s away this weekend). But I don’t think it’s fair for either of us for me to be dependent on him for company. Sometimes I really wish I had a friend that I could just hang out with, nice and easy, on a Sunday afternoon.