It was pretty bad. I really didn’t pick that many spots, and I guess it wasn’t very long as far as picking sessions go, but I REALLY messed up two spots that had been healing for a while. They both bled like crazy and I felt incredibly guilty and horrible. Now they’re incredibly red and angry looking. When I tried to go into the bathroom to gently clean my face and apply medicine afterward, I ended up picking a little bit more because the door was closed behind me (my husband has a friend over).

I cried a lot and I curled up in bed and tried to stay there all night but my husband eventually convinced me to come to taekwondo class like we originally planned on doing. I really hate going to taekwondo (or anywhere really, but I have to put all my hair back out of my face for taekwondo) with my face all messed up, even covered in loads of concealer. I am happy I went to class, but it didn’t make me feel very good about my face.

New rules: No looking, no feeling. I can see myself in mirrors, but I should never EVER lean forward to get a better look. I can touch my face but only if I actually need to, like I’m putting on makeup or brushing hair out of my eyes. I’m absolutely devastated and I don’t want to think about it at all. I honestly don’t want to know what my face looks like or feels like. When I know something is “wrong” with my skin, it eats away at my mind and my will power slowly fades. I’m hoping no stimulus means no desire to pick. I know it’s not that simple, but really it’s better to aim not to even want to pick than it is to aim not to pick.

I’m exhausted and exasperated and the calm, rational part of my mind knows that I’ve made immense progress and I’m immeasurably better than I was even a few months ago, but the emotional part of my brain is distraught and hopeless. This doesn’t mean I’m giving up, but it does mean I feel fucking awful.

Here’s to perseverance in the face of despair.