I’m reading back over the old posts analyzing and sorting out a few things. Needless to say I’ve put on weight, I’m not even sure what I weigh as the scales in my new place are terrible. Note to self: buy new scales. But I think definitely a lot of the 15lbs I lost off my butt have definitely gone back on it. But that’s by the by. The problem is not WHAT has happened but WHY. And reading my first, irritatingly zen-like entries here I have ascertained that I lost weight, not through will power, diets or exercise really (although that came), but as a by-product of looking after myself. It took a few months of looking after myself, being compassionate and supporting my emotions (instead of pushing them to the background) before my food issues began to evaporate.

Now I’m in 2013 and I’ve just calculated that I have spent the better part of the past entire year being miserable. A man I love dated then married a friend (we all fell out), I faced difficult life choices, my best friend and I went our seperate ways, I moved countries to start again only my new started was almost as messy as the place I’d just left, leaving me….well….not back at square one, but definitely a little defeated. So of course I’ve medicated with food, that’s guaranteed to happen and I can be thankful that the good habits I developed in those early diary entries meant that I didn’t totally binge, and my yo yo isn’t a drastic one. Now the time has come to pick myself up, dust myself off and get back in the saddle, to stop beating myself up and start being kind to myself, to get my self-esteem back where it should be and to resume this life-long goal of being healthy and happy.

I know I can do it. I did it before. I was happy. And healthy. And I felt attractive. It’s just following the formula and getting back to who I am again without all the drama, drama and I are no longer friends.

First goals: Buy scales. Find a zumba class. Keep a positives diary.

Wish me well!!