I had been doing so great, but that’s one of the things of this nasty habit, it doesn’t seem to end. Now that I picked two days ago having had pretty good skin for a continuos amount of time, it’s really difficult because it’s like I undid all the good I had accomplished.
Right now I have this scrape on my bottom right cheek, it looks like I fell on my face, but it was just me, picking at something that to be honest I’m not even sure was there. Not only is it unsightly, but it’s painful too. I definitely had a couple triggers, one being that I’ve had really bad insomnia for the past two weeks. It gets difficult lying in bed, doing nothing, trying to sleep. The other is just my roommates, never being home for me to talk to them about some stuff. I have good roommates, but they have ruined some of my things recently and that makes me anxious because I’m really careful with others’ stuff. I’m not blaming anyone but myself for picking though, because I’m the one who chose to deal with that anxiety that way (unfortunately).
Part of me is trying to remind myself that I’ve been here before and managed to recover and feel good again. I’m trying to remember that I went such a long time (for me) without picking, meaning I’m capable of being in control. I’m also trying to be kind to myself, even with thoughts that I was so dumb for doing this again, because at the end of the day, this is just something hard to control for me. However, there’s the part of me that looks in the mirror and sees a mess and the part of me that feels so depressed and feels too ashamed to talk to anyone. I also feel like I let you all down, because I know we like to cheer each other on towards stopping.
I hate that this interferes with parts of my life that are positive, like my running, I don’t feel like doing that right now. Also, my writing, I have something due tomorrow and I haven’t even touched it.Sometimes it’s okay to just put some make up on it and go on with the day, but sometimes you can’t cover up how you feel about this and it interferes with everything, it becomes the central focus of life.