Me and a friend had a long talk about my behavior some time ago. I’ve been giving it a lot of thought, and conclude that I perceive some social situations as an attack on my person, even though I’m well aware that it isn’t. I tried making a list of these situations and this is what I came up with:
- Social communities: I’m talking about communication methods like Facebook, Whatsapp, forums or whatever. The way I see it; these are displays of people, flaunting their rotten personalities to the outside world (I don’t need another map of your head). It makes me sick to my stomach. The sight of it insults me; like disgust being punched into my gut. But then I also feel socially deprived for not being in the center of attention, like they obviously are. I do not envy them, however.
- Self-Deprecating Humor: Unless I’m in a really bad mood, I typically don’t mind when people joke about my quirks. It happens pretty often. And while it’s amusing, I can’t resist the urge to make a comeback. If I fail to defend my honor, however,I feel a little humiliated. I laugh it off. But hiding my anger becomes increasingly harder when a genuine weakness is being triggered. I can only take so-many humiliations before I lose my joy and take offense.
- Sex and Love: The social types love to bring up these topics for some reason. They’re my biggest weakness. Everyone who’s not a total lowlife thinks of these subjects as a goal or meaning in life, and their search for chemistry has made for many interesting stories. But I have nothing to fuel their high expectations! It reminds me that I have achieved nothing. How is that not offensive?
Corrections: My mother used to say I couldn’t deal with criticism, and so I decided to take people’s opinions seriously. This open mindset led me to embark on a journey of self-doubt, turning me into a perfectionist. I criticized my own work constantly, so as to impress others. This is how I got very skilled at pinpointing the slightest of flaws, and why they occur. Unfortunately, this eye for detail turned me into a skeptic. Typically, I often feel like the advice I receive is predictable. In fact, when people try to explain me the basics, I get a little offended. Who’s to say that I’m right though? The Johari window does have a blind spot, after all!
- Underestimation: I typically don’t like it when people try to teach me something I am already familiar with. Neither do I like it when people make assumptions about what I’m physically capable of. Some people like to underestimate me, and I would love to prove them wrong but I won’t even try, for that would mean I underestimate them and possibly make a fool out of myself! Oftentimes I am way more capable than I realize, but I’m too humble to acknowledge it.
- Other People’s Pet peeves: Some types of people get annoyed very easily, and I can’t stand it when they point it out. They’ll restrict you from doing anything to the point where it becomes offensive! Eventually they’ll have you carry around a rulebook with things you may not do: You can’t tap your fingers on the tabletop, talk during a movie, do a silly voice, have a sense of humor, be in a bad mood or have an opinion of your own. The list goes on and on.
I’m starting to think it’s not regular shame I feel in awkward social situations; but predetermined humiliation. This means I feel shame ahead of the situation, and it gets in the way of my confidence.