Well I can sort of relate to you with this. My husband owns his own business and works a lot. And I feel guilty for asking for time sometimes. We do not have kids so I guess that makes it a little easier at times for me. I have become very independent the last few years. I have taken up a lot of hobbies, but they never replace the feeling of a ‘husband or mate’.

I think in your case (just my two cents) you could try to have a ‘mom’s day out’ get a sitter (maybe you have already tried that) but you really deserve a break too and to relax, even if you get a sitter and take a nap, a nice bath, read, do whatever you want to do. I bet it would mean a lot. And maybe focus on a date night every other week, etc. I think for me personally it was trying to get too much out of him, I know I can’t have every night or even every weekend, but I can ask him for one weekend a month and dinner out on the nights he gets home in time. The guilt is because you don’t think you should be asking him since he has so much going on (again this is the way I feel…maybe not how you feel!) but in the big picture I can want what I want and not feel bad for it, I have a right to still want to be around him, etc.

Don’t let yourself feel guilty for thinking you need help or for wanting help. It’s all legitimate needs. I think for some reason I tend to think “well the big picture is good and he is such a great man and he works so hard, how can I ask more of him?” But that doesn’t do anyone any good. You still have the feelings and there are still ‘issues’. A marriage is a joint relationship. Sure you have to balance it out at times, but I really think you can work this out. Just speak up! Good luck with this, sorry for rambling!

... that if you ever see him do the right thing (put the dishes away, clear the table, etc.) that you reward him with a cookie.

when mine were babies it was all I could do to take care of them.

Maybe it’s a matter of competencies in different things. Being a great headhunter doesn’t necessarily transfer to being a great lawyer or artist.

I always wanted Brett to realize things on his own. I felt so taken for granted when it seemed like he thought that the house took care of itself (if I walk away and leave this mail scattered over the table, this diaper genie stuffed full, this toilet paper roll empty, it will be magically cleaned up, emptied, filled!)

So I know the feeling. And so many women do! Either men are deficient or there’s something different in their brain-firing that we just don’t get…

all the fights we had were about chores. Because it was the same thing—he just didn’t see what needed to be done, and I would do it all or have to ask him (which made me feel like a nag, and thus made me feel crabby) so I’d get resentful, then we’d have a fight, then time would pass, and the same thing would happen again.

Eventually, we found a solution that works for us. We sat down with every single chore and divided them up. Now we each know who is responsible for each thing, and somehow this really seems to help him see what needs to be done. His chores include dusting and vacuuming, which are good to do regularly, but don’t generally mean there’s a danger of botulism if they go undone. And I can live with dusty shelves since I don’t have to feel guilty if it goes undone. It might not work for you, but I swear we haven’t had a single fight about chores in about 10 years.

Another thing you might try is leaving humorous signs around to get him used to noticing stuff. Wash dirty dishes, then stack them with a big sign saying “Look! We washed ourselves! When you aren’t looking, we may put ourselves into the cabinets. (You might want to start booking us on talk shows.)” and that sort of thing. You could have a lot of fun with this. It might get him looking around the place more alertly—and if you’re lucky, maybe he’d do some chores so that he could leave some funny notes himself!