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AmyBK8899 is working on a master plan.

remember that hubby works 80+ hours a week so I shouldn't get too upset when he leaves seltzer bottles, socks, mail, pizza, etc. all over the house that I have just cleaned (read all 13 entries…)
what does he do???

I went away this past weekend to visit friends. Hubby unfortunately had to work so he couldn’t go. When my son and I came back on Sunday (hubby already back in the office) the apartment looked like a tornado struck it. Seltzer bottles everywhere. Empty food containers. Dishes in the sink. Clothes everywhere. Trash overflowing. And WOW did it need to be vacuumed. It took me HOURS to clean everything up. He’s just one person!! Is it so hard to put empty bottles in the recycling bin? Terribly difficult to bring your shirt/shoes to the bedroom instead of leaving them on the sofa?

At least he appreciated the clean up. I saw him this morning and he said the apartment looks amazing. (NO, it just looks clean. But thanks, honey)

This is a really hard goal. I’m trying not to get so mad, I understand that he works really hard, but I work full time also plus I take care of our son. I would love for one day not to have to clean up after hubby. Or at least not have to clean up so much.


Sounds like

you need to implement some sort of behavior modification plan.

How that would work, though, I have no idea.

AmyBK8899 is working on a master plan.


I always feel terrible complaining. I mean, he’s recovering from cancer. And he works so freaking hard. But is there a point where I can put my foot down and say, listen buster, I need help? I am soooooo tired. and I have a rash on my hands form dishwashing. :(


Well I can sort of relate to you with this. My husband owns his own business and works a lot. And I feel guilty for asking for time sometimes. We do not have kids so I guess that makes it a little easier at times for me. I have become very independent the last few years. I have taken up a lot of hobbies, but they never replace the feeling of a ‘husband or mate’.

I think in your case (just my two cents) you could try to have a ‘mom’s day out’ get a sitter (maybe you have already tried that) but you really deserve a break too and to relax, even if you get a sitter and take a nap, a nice bath, read, do whatever you want to do. I bet it would mean a lot. And maybe focus on a date night every other week, etc. I think for me personally it was trying to get too much out of him, I know I can’t have every night or even every weekend, but I can ask him for one weekend a month and dinner out on the nights he gets home in time. The guilt is because you don’t think you should be asking him since he has so much going on (again this is the way I feel…maybe not how you feel!) but in the big picture I can want what I want and not feel bad for it, I have a right to still want to be around him, etc.

Don’t let yourself feel guilty for thinking you need help or for wanting help. It’s all legitimate needs. I think for some reason I tend to think “well the big picture is good and he is such a great man and he works so hard, how can I ask more of him?” But that doesn’t do anyone any good. You still have the feelings and there are still ‘issues’. A marriage is a joint relationship. Sure you have to balance it out at times, but I really think you can work this out. Just speak up! Good luck with this, sorry for rambling!

I'm thinking...

... that if you ever see him do the right thing (put the dishes away, clear the table, etc.) that you reward him with a cookie.

AmyBK8899 is working on a master plan.


I think Italian water ices would work.

Or praise,

or hot kisses, or copping a feel, or…

Ah… excuse me. I think I need to go give my wife a call.

oh honey

things will get better! At leasts he seems to appreciate the wonderful superwoman you are. :-)

mejaka is on the preferred substitute list--for Project. Weird.

I remember the days, Amy--

Once I gathered up all his ties and laid them in a row in front of the door. When he came home and asked what it was about, I just said, “Those are the ties I found in the living room today.” The total? Seven! More than a week’s worth of ties stuck here and there.

I’ve come to realize it was as much about my feeling overwhelmed as it was about his actual sloppiness. And I’ve realized he and I just don’t see the same things, or in the same way. And he’ll always help if I ask, so I’ve quit resenting that I usually have to ask.

I wish you luck with this goal. It took me years, and sometimes I still relapse! But not for long. After all, in nearly 19 years he’s hardly uttered a word about the way I keep house (or don’t keep house, as the case may be!)

AmyBK8899 is working on a master plan.


It’s the little things, really. Like last night he atcually got home at 8, which was wonderful. He was tired, so he took a water ice and went to read in bed. Which is fine. It is not fine to leave the empty water ice container and spoon on the floor next to the bed. Why can’t he throw it out? Is it genetics?

When I went back to work after maternity leave, my husband was finishing up law school and so got to stay home with our son. It amazed me that all he was able to do was take care of the little one. He couldn’t wash dishes, vacuum, fold laundry, straighten up, or cook dinner. Some days I came home and he hadn’t managed to get out of his bathrobe!! But when I was home, I did all of that and more. My mom says it’s because men are not capable of multitasking.

But that’s not true! I want to know why he’s so brilliant at work and so incompetent in his personal life. How come he can remember every single detail in a 4 company deal but can’t remember to pick his socks up off the living room floor?

He is a sweetheart, truly appreciates all I do, and he never, ever complains about the way I do things either, but I guess I just want to him to realize things on his own. To me it’s just common sense- if the diaper champ is so full you can’t turn the handle, empty it!

Most days my sense of humor kicks in and I can laugh it off, but this week I’m just too tired. I agree with you- I think mostly it’s about me feeling overwhelmed.

mejaka is on the preferred substitute list--for Project. Weird.

You know...

when mine were babies it was all I could do to take care of them.

Maybe it’s a matter of competencies in different things. Being a great headhunter doesn’t necessarily transfer to being a great lawyer or artist.

I always wanted Brett to realize things on his own. I felt so taken for granted when it seemed like he thought that the house took care of itself (if I walk away and leave this mail scattered over the table, this diaper genie stuffed full, this toilet paper roll empty, it will be magically cleaned up, emptied, filled!)

So I know the feeling. And so many women do! Either men are deficient or there’s something different in their brain-firing that we just don’t get…

catherineaq is editing herself. [I won't share your 43T; PLEASE don't share mine.]

early in my marriage

all the fights we had were about chores. Because it was the same thing—he just didn’t see what needed to be done, and I would do it all or have to ask him (which made me feel like a nag, and thus made me feel crabby) so I’d get resentful, then we’d have a fight, then time would pass, and the same thing would happen again.

Eventually, we found a solution that works for us. We sat down with every single chore and divided them up. Now we each know who is responsible for each thing, and somehow this really seems to help him see what needs to be done. His chores include dusting and vacuuming, which are good to do regularly, but don’t generally mean there’s a danger of botulism if they go undone. And I can live with dusty shelves since I don’t have to feel guilty if it goes undone. It might not work for you, but I swear we haven’t had a single fight about chores in about 10 years.

Another thing you might try is leaving humorous signs around to get him used to noticing stuff. Wash dirty dishes, then stack them with a big sign saying “Look! We washed ourselves! When you aren’t looking, we may put ourselves into the cabinets. (You might want to start booking us on talk shows.)” and that sort of thing. You could have a lot of fun with this. It might get him looking around the place more alertly—and if you’re lucky, maybe he’d do some chores so that he could leave some funny notes himself!

AmyBK8899 is working on a master plan.

we tried

the division.

Except the trash was never taken out. Ever. He would start new bags. He would run out of underwear and go commando rather than do the laundry. (REALLY)

I feel guilty because he works all the time. It isn’t that I need him to do things, I need him to NOT do things.

So it’s ok that he doesn’t take the recycling out. It is not ok that he doesn’t put his empty seltzer bottles in the recycling but instead leaves them next to the computer, next to the bed, under the sofa, etc.

I’m ok with him not doing laundry. I am not ok with him leaving dirty clothes everywhere- the bathroom, the living room, the kitchen table. We do have hampers!

Ah, well. We’re (I’m) packing up for our move, the apartment will be a wreck for the next 18 dys anyway. :)

Thanks for the advice!

Have You Read This Book?

AmyBK8899 is working on a master plan.

No...not yet!

But it looks really interseting. Will check it out today, thank you!

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