It hasn’t gone away, but it might be turning into something else. No, not THAT! (probably) I think it is developing into respect, which is a nice turn of events.

I feel really affirmed for not saying anything and not acting. I got a chance to talk to this person one-on-one for a good couple of hours last night while travelling. I was feeling a little apprehensive (talking at length with crushes in the past has been awkward), but it was comfortable, natural, and enjoyable.

At moments I still felt sad that nothing further can really come of this. But the more I talked to this person, the less I cared. They are certainly worth knowing even without that involvement.

I also wonder if this person isn’t in my life to help me build confidence in my ability to deal with my attractions to others, and to remind me not to be afraid to open my heart (gak, how cheesy is THAT?! But I can’t think of a better way to say it). I’ve been afraid of liking anyone this way for a long time due to bad past decisions. I guess I was afraid that I’m only attracted to people that are bad for me. I was also afraid that feeling attracted to someone would make me behave like an idiot or ruin any chance for genuine interaction (it has always done so before).

After talking with this person, I think they could be good for me (or at least, far better and more encouraging of growth than any I have crushed on in the past). I’m still not going to act on anything at all, and I’m pretty convinced (due to some of our conversation) that this person is unlikely to act, either. I find this strangely comforting. This one is not for me, but he has reminded me that there ARE people out there who might be interesting and attractive to me yet not assholes. There is hope.

And meanwhile I get the enjoyment of admiring someone at arm’s length for who they really are, not for what they give to me.