I myself was the college kid who liked to write home to her parents & was excited to be with them on holidays. So I can testify to some things I learned from my parents & have tried to practice with my kids:

1. Keep learning & growing yourself, & talk to your kids about the process (age-appropriate things, of course).

2. As they’re growing up, have a good bedtime ritual with them as regularly as possible (reading, singing, praying). It tapers off as they grow older, of course.

3. Express interest & pleasure in their accomplishments.

4. Respond calmly to their struggles; ask questions & affirm them in the midst of the problems.

It’s so great that you have this as a goal. A kid who grows up knowing “Dad’s on my side” is truly blessed!

just kidding. no matter what you do right, they may grow up to hate you anyway, like my brother did with my mom, although in his case we’ve found that staying across country from one another seems to help and they’re actually quite civil now.
actually i read something really nice that a man wrote about his relationship with his daughter in response to someone posing a similar question on a parenting group list. his response made it seem so simple.
actually this man worked at amazon and was quite busy – surprise surprise – but never too busy for his kid, and given the commitment likely required by his employer, that probably made her feel special in and of itself.
anyway, he said that ever since his daughter was very very small he spent time with her every night before she went to bed, asking her about her day and just talking about her, and made sure to tell her he loved her every day, even when things were tense. At the time he wrote this, his daughter was 15 or 16 and they still had this close little chat every night, and he found it very reassuring that at such a difficult age she still found comfort in sharing things with him, and he felt it helped to keep lines of communication open and honest.
I’ve thought about that ever since I had my son, and every night Im the last person he sees before he goes to bed. This is even more important for me than his dad because he’s male and Im female and there may come a time (adolescence for example) when the only thing we have in common is our DNA, but if we can talk openly at thirteen or fourteen it will help to bridge any gaps, and ensure that we can definitely talk when he’s 25 because he’ll be so much more rational then. Maybe…
Dont know if this is what you were looking for, but I found the suggestion meaningful.
good for you, and good luck.

My wife’s family have done a great job of remaining really close all through growing up. When I look at how they have run their family, one thing which sticks out is the way the parents have quite deliberately moved the relationship with their children on from a parent/child type to a peer relationship.

Couldn’t put my finger on exactly what they did there, but they now relate almost as equals, and that strikes me as potentially a key difference between a stronger relationship with parents and just feeling odd that you still relate as parent/child, but you’re no longer a child. I think ending up with parent/child relationships kind of beyond 14 or so perhaps starts to atrophy the relationship.

Just my 0.02GBP.

Regarding parenthood, my Dad always says, “Take care of your marriage first,” which is funny coming from him since he and my Mom divorced when I was 13. But he learned a valuable lesson from that: if the marriage is broken, all else fails.

So, a solid marriage will provide a good base for parenting. From there, I suppose, you’ve got to respect your children as individuals, just like you would your spouse in a solid marriage. Respect is contageous; it lifts people up and makes them feel good about themselves. Feeling good about oneself is crucial. I think the greatest way to show someone respect is to just listen to them. I always felt like my parents were listening, even when I didn’t have anything to say. That’s a great feeling. Luckily for me, listening comes quite naturally, and I spend as much time as possible listening and responding to what my children have to say. I just hope they keeping talking.

You can’t love your kids too much. Hug them everyday, (daughters especially need this from their dad) tell them that you love them, and let them see how you show your spouse love.

Have traditions that you look forward to.
Play with your kids. It is sometimes very hard and sometimes boring, but they grow up so fast, you will not always have this opportunity.

Pray with them and tuck them into bed every night.

Enjoy ‘em while you got ‘em.

They’ll break away and rebel.

Treat them as adults, and let them know it: once they hit a certain age, sit them down and tell them they are their own person. Your job is no longer to “parent” but to be there as a fellow adult.

Explain to them that you still experience the irrational urge to hold them and make all of the hardships in life go away. Don’t give them help, offer it and make them ask for it. When they do, give it to them in such overwhelming quality they’ll know they’ve done the right thing.

Take an interest and become their friend before their parent: ie, my old man doesn’t get what I do when I code, and why I want to make a receipe management tool to help me eat better.

Never, ever, discount their opinions. If they are wrong, be willing to argue with them – lightly, not to crush them, but to better define what they think. Give them alternative perspectives, don’t tell them their ideas are stupid, take an interest and offer a “well, you thought of X, what about Y & Z?”

Most of all, try to be fair. When you aren’t fair, apologize and admit you are wrong – nothing breeds contempt like familiarity, and if they think you’re stubborn they’ll hate you.

Share that you’re afraid you’ll lose them – it will still happen, but at least they’ll know how you feel.

Josh, my experience and observation has me feel that “perspective” is a “HUGE” part of what you ask.

your perspective as a visitor is may actually change what is experienced.

I have a son named Brandon. I rarely heard the name before his birth. Today it seems that every other day I meeting or hearing of another Brandon.

The world didn’t change, my perspective of the world changed.

For me any home was better than my home. The imperfections were not obvious for me.

I wasn’t vested in someone elses home and family life. I could therefore “play home” with the family.

No pressure, just relax, enjoy the treatment of a guest, despite being best of friends, and never take any of the banter or bickering personal.

The expectation for me as a guest were far less than what was expected of the family.

I was also eager to help out, since there was no expectation. I was empowered to contribute.

Any thoughts?

James

spend time with them
listen to them
be interested
tell them about your feelings and your life, tell them of everything
don’t make secrets
have respect
answer the questions they ask and don’t answer the questions they don’t ask
trust their abilities to manage their lives from the first day on
all together: love them for theirs sake not for your sake (o je -what about my English? Can I say it like that…???)

Being the mom of a 16 year old who remains very close, I think there’s no magic formula.

It’s just years and years of doing whatever is necessary to let them know through your words and your actions that you are on their side, that they count, and that you actually like them (especially teens (in general) naturally assume adults don’t like them…you’ve got to counter that somehow on a continual basis).

Teens are challenging; in many ways, the focus is in counteracting their natural tendencies. My vantage point is always 1. “what is important to my daughter right now” and 2. “what outcome am I trying to acheive as a parent”. I manufacture my gameplan around those two things.

Right now she wants several things.
She wants to be heard in the house and know her voice counts (what do you think about…, honey?). She also wants to register her opinion on any number of subjects outside the house.

They want to choose their areas of interest, and feel their parents support of whatever they select. (My guideline being that she always has to select SOMETHING).

She wants to know I’m her ally even when she makes mistakes (we can figure this out together). At the same time, this has to be balanced with accountability…it’s a fine line.

She wants more independence and respect (we all have the same obligations of respect to each other, and I’ll judge her ability to handle more independence based on her actions, and she knows that).

She wants total acceptance. Teens are under the impression that the world should not judge you based on your looks no matter what….and sometimes they get quite outlandish and hostile about it. I laugh…I tell her…you are describing an ideal. Should be, but is not. So I give her freedoms with her clothing and her styles, and I warn her…don’t be angry at people who don’t see past your facade…But here in my home, all I see is a beautiful, wonderful person who I love.

And I think teens in general want to be pitied. Surprising, yet true. They’re feeling sorry for themselves and angry at the world for any variety of reasons and they want someone to relate, even if they are angry at you (the parent) too. I tell her “I wouldn’t go back to 18…being a teen is like being in the combat zone”.

As a parent, I let her know my two goals with her:

1. to make sure she is always aware of her future goals. I don’t care if they change every week…as long as she’s always envisioning her future, shooting for something. You’d be surprised…you drill this into them enough, and they’re better able to pass up peer pressure, because they think about their future instead of just what is right in front of their face. If a parent takes time to ask this constantly, they can then counsel their kids…right now, she likes forensics..she’s always been science minded and I reminded her of that in support of her goal…she actually joined a science club in grade school where they assigned extra assignments that nobody else had to do and that they didn’t get credit for (I thought to myself, what a geek! But I never shared that). So I suggested physics for her this year, and as usual…all her goals include getting As and Bs. She herself decided to spend her summer doing volunteer work, 40 hours a week. This will be great for her college resume.

2. to avoid things that may permanently damage her life. Teen years are dangerous. They are years of experimentation. To me, I need to be in constant communication with my teen about a few topics…at the same time not judging people she knows who have fallen in these areas, but rather empathising with the sadness of their situations to bring her around to my side….the two main areas I have made her fully aware of to a very detailed level are the life of a teen mother, and the effects of drugs, especially crystal meth which is huge in the schools.

Wow! These are just general guidelines. I will never miss a chance to hear what others have to say on this subject…any new perspective can create new ideas to use.

Just as I tell my daughter..I focus on the end goal, and do my best to ensure my actions are in line with it. My end goal is to release an effective, successful, happy adult into the world.

My children are ages 29 and 25 and I still look at them as the best thing I have done in my life! They are both grown and out of the house now but, we remain very close. I speak to them on a regular basis (at least once a week) and we often get together for family gatherings. I am a very proud father! This is without a doubt worth doing!