Boggy Creek II, the legend continues…
[epi # 1006]
Well, I polled three people and got seven answers, and the majority of those voted that the next movie to watch should be “the one about booby creeks”. All righty then.
I saw this one years ago and other than remembering that I was somewhat bored with it, I couldn’t recall much about the plot. (Unfortunately I had taped over my Sci Fi channel recording of it) So I was pleasently surprised when I actually got a big kick out of it this time around. I must have been in a bad mood last time.
Remember those old Disney nature films way back when? With the deep, slightly southern voice-over and the images of lush meadows and dazzling sunsets? That’s how the movie begins. We see egrets flying over a creek, tall grasses and- Oh! A sweet little deer prancing happily through the forest. He stops to daintily nibble a flower, bat his lashes and move on over to the river for a nice refreshing drink. It’s so hot! Sweet, wittle deer wants to go for a swim. So he wades out a bit into the water, ears a twitchin’, big brown eyes sleepily survey the waters while wittle deer enjoys the cool currents.
Don’t mind those bubbles following you in the water, wittle deerses, you just have yourself a nice happy swim! Tra la dee da…
What’s this? Oh noes! The poor wittle deer has just been sucked under the water by an unseen harbinger of death! He’s been decapitated! A tall, dark, greasey haired monster emerges from the mucky depths and drags the headless deer into the forest! All the while bemused voice over guy drones on about misty summer mornings and the circle of life…
And that, folks, is about as lucid as this movie gets.
Right after the gruesome, happy deer death scene, we cut to a football game. No reason! Just… you know. At a game.
Some professor guy is there. (we find out that he’s the narrator. Incidentally, he’s also the director, the writer, the producer, the snack shop vendor guy…) We get to see some bouncing cheerleader shots, and (stock) game footage. Then the prof. gets called away by one of his students, Tim, who, incidentally, is actually his son. In real life I mean. I guess they needed another body to fill a roll and he was just kind of standing around or something.
The prof, whose name is Brian, heads over to his office where he finds out that the Boggy Creek monster has been spotted again. The voice in his head tells us that he’s bringing three kids with him to investigate the sightings, Tim- the very skinny kid who just loves taking off his shirt to show off them massive pythonique arms of his. And also two loverly ladies, Tanya and Leslie, whose purpose in this movie is to complain and show off their underpants.
So away we go to find the monster. First stop is a convenience store run by a very sweaty man in a white, V neck tee-shirt. All the S’uthners in the store think it’s mighty funny that this “city slicker” (with a thicker accent than anyone else in town, mind you) has come to search for “the creature”. The professor, being the stupid yankee that he is (haw haw), gets all perturbed and threatens to shoot anyone he sees dressed like a monkey and wandering around in the forrest. With that, he firmly re-inserts his hiney stick and prances away.
Next stop on their trip is to a barn where the monster was first spotted way back in 1964. (although we are treated to a bit of a debate about that. “was is ‘63? or 64?” “I think it was ‘64” “yes, I believe you’re right…”)
Suddenly the movie takes on “Flashback” mode. There’s no awesome wooshy music like LOST has when they do a flashback. This director took a slightly different approach than J.J. Abrams, that being, he decided to smear the camera lens with Vaseline Jelly. It makes for lovely cinematography!
Through the vaseline haze we can make out a fuzzy blob wearing overalls. Overall blob spots a tall dark blob that I suppose is the monster, being that it has long greasy hair covering it’s entire body. And also bubba lips. Then overall blob and bubba lip blob walk away from each other. That’s it. Not really worth making a flashback for, but there ya go.
Bored with that flashback, the whole crew piles back into the jeep in search of more engaging flashbacks.
Suddenly! ::gasp:: What is that?! The jeep screaches to a halt. (kinda. It’s pulling a huge camper, so it’s more like it meanders to a wobbly halt)
Anyway, something appears to have startled our professor. Frantically I search the screen for something worth looking at, but of course, it’s only roadkill. Professor Brian and Tim get out and contemplate the roadkill for a while, then they get back in and drive away.
Having thoroughly debated the cause of death of the roadkill (where’s Doc Robbins when you need him?) the gang arrives at their campsite and sets up the camper, giving Leslie a chance to change into more appropriate camper-wear. She does this by stripping down to her underwears and pressing her butt up against the window while shakin’ her bazooty in an attempt to squeeze into a pair of shorts three sizes too small. Professor Brian is practically moved to tears.
Inspired by Leslie’s long johns, the prof proceeds to launch into another flashback, this one had molasses shmear, instead of vaseline. Some guy stops to change a tire, the Creature arrives, grabs him, and he dies. Ahhhh memories…
Finished with reminiscing, Prof Brian sets up his super-duper, hyper sensitive Com-Pew-Tur that shows you (in aesthetically pleasing black and lime green) exactly where people are around you. Just type in a few measurements into the Com-Pew-Tur, height, weight, etc, and Com-Pew-Tur will tell you where any intruders are.
Getting a closer look at the monitor we see a giant target with two little circles hangin’ around the outer rings. The two circles are Tim and Tanya. Suddenly another circle appears! How exciting! This circle must be the creature!
Mesmerized by the the round things, Brian and Leslie watch as the third circle blips closer to Tanya’s circle. The prof calls Tanya and Tim back to camp; and since the movie is really all about him, he grabs a gun, assumes “macho guy” pose,(as Mike says: “legs bent, butt out, tummy pooched”) and runs off into the forrest to confront the creature. Meanwhile, Tanya’s circle hightales it back to camp while the creature’s circle follows close behind. Tim’s circle disappears, while, oddly enough, no circle ever appears for Brian. (must be a bug in the system.) Brian threateningly shouts “I can smell you!” (his version of “do ya feel lucky, punk?”) horrified, the creature runs away.
Brian makes it back to camp, Tim shows up, shouts “boo!” everyone screams. Aah. Scary.
Later that night, the monster’s circle shows up again. It must have suspected that the prof had set up that awesome Com-Pew-Tur, because it went straight for their generator and broked it. Tim and Brian funble around in the dark for a while, then get it working again. In the mean time, the creature shows up and snarls at them through some bushes. Fortunately the leaves hold him back and he is unable to attack. Frustrated, the creature departs.
The next morning… we gets ourselves another flashback! You know. To cheer us up. Because all of the other flashbacks have been so lighthearted and breezy.
In this one, there’s this guy who decides he needs to go make a poo. So he asks his wife for the Sears catalogue and heads out to the outhouse. (I don’t want to know.) While in the outhouse, the creature decides it’s going to have some fun with him and sticks his arm through the window. The guy freaks out and lands in his own doody.
When he emerges from the thing he’s covered in plop, so his wife gets out the garden hose and sprays him down.
And that’s it. Don’t you feel better now?
I haven’t even gotten to the part where we meet the most disturbing MST character. Ever. A giant, half naked hick with a rubber band wrapped around his head. (seriously, I would love to have seen that casting call. “uhh… we need a really big hairy guy willing to walk around wearing nothing but a pair of overalls with one strap hangin’ down and a rubber band. Preferably someone who loves to scratch and say ‘garrrr’”) Nor have I mentioned the part where Tanya decides to try out some snuff and pukes in the bushes. Or the scene where Brian dresses up like Castro and declares “I have seen the little creature!”
To find out how this sucker ends (and I am certain you’re just dying to know.) you’ll just have to watch it yourself.
Favorite Quotes
- You know, the Razorback hat really lacks the quiet dignity of the Cheese Wedge (Mike)
- sweaty clerk: “You can take my word for it, there aint no such monster around here.”
Mike: ok. Well then do you have any puffy hats with filthy sayings?
- So, these people are all majoring in Boggy Creek Monster studies? (Servo)
- Well I’ll be. Farmers do exist!
- Hey, there’s a Point of View monster headed right for them!
- We’d like to thank the Legend for allowing us to place a camera in his helmet.
- The thing we’re looking for is coming! Oh no!
- (during random football scene)“The cheerleaders suggest that we “Go!”
- Hey everybody! I managed to cram my ass in these shorts!
- My wonderful discovery. (beat) let’s kill it!
- (still at that random game) “I’m going! The cheerleaders’ plan is working!”
- Leslie: the circles, what do they represent? Servo: Round things
