It’s frightening at times. Sometimes I secretly wish the bus would jump the curb and run into me, rather than getting inside and going to work. When the phone rings I swear it’s going to be bad news, and it’s going to be about something I did (or didn’t do.)

Having people crowd around me is stressful. Waiting in a large crowd for something makes me want to scream, but thinking about screaming frightens me even more because everyone would just stare at me – making a bad situation even worse.

The good thing, however, is that after years of suffering – I finally seem to grasp what brings on these attacks. I can almost sense an attack coming, and can try to avoid it. My wife now understands my dilemma, and understands why I now just hand her the cash or the credit card while she waits in line and I take the kids outside for a breath of fresh air. She knows not to plan us being in a large, crowded area for a long period of time unless there’s a place where I can just slip away to gather myself.

But I still need more help. Self-help books and St. John’s Wort no longer seem to help, so we’re now looking for therapists who specialize in anxiety disorders. Hopefully one day I can be the life of the party, or at least not be that one guy sitting outside waiting for it to end.