Today is Jay’s anniversary. Four years ago today I lost the best thing that had ever come into my life. It still surprises me how violently the pain hits me when I give it an opening. I’m terribly afraid that that means I haven’t really dealt with it at all.

It’s going to be a strange day. Work as normal, then I’m going for a couple drinks with my work friends afterwards. To be honest I’d planned that before I realised what date today was, but I’m kinda glad not to be going straight home on my own. I’m tempted to ask D. to come over for the evening, cos I’m scared of how intense my emotions can get when I’m alone and have no-one to act as a damper. Maybe I need to just go through that and get it over with, but I’m not sure I can.