I went on the closest thing I could to a “Vision Quest” today which was a leisurely stroll through a nature park, with frequent stops and much observation.

It made me aware of how much of a city dweller I am these days. I used to go on these nature forays all the time with my dad when I was a kid… Did the bugs just not bother me then? And – this is mildly embarassing, but – what about having to pee?? About halfway through my walk today, I had to go and I knew it was all over then… If I can’t use the bathroom and I need to, I get really irritable and it really bogged down the “spiritual” side of the trek. I walked more quickly, noticing less… I just needed to get to the nature center – I KNEW there was a restroom there.

Bathroom emergencies aside, I guess the main thing I found was… well, when I left this morning, I purposely didn’t bring a camera or a notebook or any means of recording anything. And I kept thinking about… I wish I could write this or I wish I could record that sound, etc. And I tried to think about a real vision quest, and its meaning, and how sometimes, maybe you aren’t supposed to record things. Maybe they should flow through you, maybe you should let them go.

Don’t get me wrong, I am doing more writing than ever these days, and painting, etc. Recording, reinterpreting and expressing things is the basis of art and what my life revolves around.

But as much as I hang onto phrases, feelings from books and films I enjoy and am inspired by, I hang on to guilt and fears from my childhood. I hang onto shame and hatred, and they tend to overshadow my accomplishments. If I can let some things, good and bad, flow through me instead of remaining inside me…

I also thought about the probability of my going on a “real” vision quest out west, when/if I go visit my aunt in Vegas… But it seems like they cost $250 or more. Which seems like some company monopolizing on people’s hopes for reconnecting with the earth. I am starting to think if I am going to drop $250 on a quest for inner peace, I’ll take a yoga class. Or put the $250 in the bank, and listen to some guided mediation MP3s I have and do stretches/yoga moves I already know.

Tonight, I came home and watched the first Pirates of the Carribean movie. (I know this seems pretty far from anything about a vision quest, but… just follow me on this one for a second.) I’ve been trying to do this for over a month, but life seemed to keep getting in my way. I had only seen it once before, and I just wanted to have that fun feeling you can only get from pirates, palm trees, one-liners, and really bad-ass CG ghosts. In short, I really wanted to sit on my ass and be deep-down-in-my-soul entertained, and release my inner twelve year old.

So I did it tonight, not while folding clothes or working on some other project. Just sat and watched it. And there’s a line I had forgotten about.

”...The entire ocean. The entire world. Wherever we want to go, we’ll go. That’s what a ship is, you know. It’s not just a keel and a hull and a deck and sails, that’s what a ship needs, but what a ship is… what the Black Pearl really is… is freedom.”

And, I don’t know, I had to get up and walk around for a second. That’s not just what a ship is about… that’s what I’m about, what I need right now.

I’m not really one to quote summer blockbusters for inspiration. I feel a little silly, with my road to grad school before me and my culturally enlightening Miyazaki films and my multilingual aspirations… And I’m quoting a goddamn Jerry Bruckheimer movie.

But if a Vision Quest is about hearing a voice, looking for a sign, feeling enlightened by an experience… Well, maybe I was supposed to hear it from Johnny Depp in heavy eyeliner.

Now, bring me that horizon.