I’ve long thought that I’m missing some crucial information, as though I were absent from school on the day they taught everyone the secret to leading a happy, fulfilling life. I’m sure that everyone feels like that every once in a while (perhaps we were all sick that day), but it’s a sensation that has haunted me for quite some time.

I know I’m a reasonably smart guy, but I constantly find myself doing really stupid things; things that I know are stupid before I do them, yet I can’t seem to avoid doing them anyway. At times there is a nigh-paralyzing fear of doing something wrong that prevents me from attemping it (whatever it is) in the first place. Other times I wind up procrastinating to the point of never starting. Still other times, I simply get distracted by all the things running through my head and lose track of what I’m doing. Profound guilt and remorse always follow, though frequently I’m the only one that perceives them. I keep telling myself that if it really mattered, if this (whatever this is) were truly important to me, I wouldn’t have these problems. But that only succeeds in making me feel worse, looking at the growing list of “Things that Aren’t Truly Important”... especially when I can look at it and create another list, nearly as long as the first, entitled “Things that Shouldn’t Be on the Previous List.”

This mental gremlin appears at work, with my friends and family, and he was ubiquitous when I was in school. About the only place he hasn’t been able to infest is the stage; when I’m acting, I can command a focus not accessible to me in other tasks. He has tried to monkey with that as well, but so far I’ve been able to keep him at bay. Does anyone have a name for this brain demon?