I know my family are wondering if I am truly crazy for getting back with Dia the last few weeks ago. But thing is I really haven’t gotten back with him.

I don’t know what to say. Things have been on an extremly weird wave length going with our ups and downs and all. I have already acknowledged the fact that we will never be married—at least not in this life.

Let me tell you a little bit of my story:

I met him november 2003 and just thought he was cool to have a friend. Afterall, one of my goals was to make friends. He tried to woo me and would call me everyday at least twice. I told him that I wasn’t interested. Then about 3 months later he grew on me. We dated starting january. In march, i was going through my 3 month mark, where I usually break off my relationships. I didn;t he left in May for summer vacation and then I was alone again missing him like crazy. At that point, I truly loved him. I waited for him. I actually waited for the guy…HE came back home the end of august, went to pick him up at the airport feeling all nervous. Nervous because I had to jusge him to find out if he feels the same. The way for me to figure that out, is his first glance at me, and what I read in those eyes.

Dissapointingly, I found a somewhat uneasy look but a welcoming smile. All my bells went off in warning. I knew things were no longer the same.I should have broke us off then. I I still loved him something terrible, but he didn’t, I just knew it. Septemeber, I broke up with him because I didn’t feel the connection we had before. Thats what I told him, then, I still loved him. We got back together 1 week later because I missed him. I am so fucking weak.

After 3 months, I was aware of everything that he did. And was picking up ghostly signals. I kept praying to God that it wasn’t so. I know when things are going wrong, even if there are no signals being dropped. I just knew that he didn’t love me as much as he always was saying. I cried all day that day knowing I was going to tell him good bye. Then I called him up, “hey baby”, he says, “how was work today”. I will never forget that conversation. Then I questioned him, just to make sure. And told him quickly, “we need to break up”

As soon as I said those words, I wanted to take them back. I felt like I was spiraling into some deep hole and crying all the way down with my heart in my hands. Yes I must have been dying. It hurt so much. Yet I couldn’t tolerate him being there like this, while I was hurting always. So he says I Am paranoid. I usually pry information from people. So i made him admit he doesn;t care as much as he did for me before.

I kepy wondering if I am crazy…

Here I am today still trying to get over us. Still today because in between our break up we still saw each other, and loved each other. After we broke up december 2004 we started going out off and on. Each time afterward he outrightly broke my heart. He crushed me, over and over. In May 2005 we went to Miami together where he told me that he loved me more than he ever did. I was so happy inside but didn’t show it, beacause I knew he would lose it in a month again. I know that he is flighty in feelings. I know it, yet why did I sleep over again last night? Why did I have to wake up this morning to some bullshit he did.

Why do I know these things but keep going back like an idiot. Today I told him goodbye. I would never come back. I don’t want to go back. Thats why I decided to create a goal list. Maybe this time with vicual aide, I will succeed in getting over him. I am going to pray about it. I can’t stand another heartache.

Maybe I will cry some too.

I NEED TO::::I NEED TO ::::I NEED TO GET OVER HIM