How to improve my relationship with my mother
It made me
better 
"It was a lot of work and it still takes effort even after you've done it -- kind of like a marriage takes work"
How I did it: First I failed a lot. Sometimes I felt that it would never happen or that I wanted to give up. Things started to improve when I read the book The Dance of Anger by Helen Lerner. I learned to set boundaries.
Then I tried to practice changing the topic when my mom badmouths others by saying I love her or getting her to talk about her own problems and life instead.
I also went to counseling and practiced conversations with the counselor before having them.
Finally, I realized what role I play in her life and I owned up for hurtful things I have done over the years and apologized. I never heard back from her about the apology -- maybe she never even got my letter? -- but I felt a huge relief and a change of perspective.
Lessons & tips: *sometimes it's okay to take a break from this project to come back to it later
*blaming one another is a waste of time
*if you can't handle long visits, start small and work up
Resources: The Dance of Anger by Helen Lerner
Professional counseling
My grandmother's impending death
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