"I did it in two stages, one awkward and the other. . .not so much (surprise! i was surprised). Grateful. Relieved."
How I did it: I think I officially came out to myself about 3 years ago, and oddly, I decided to tell my parents right away. I didn't have a girlfriend, I wasn't dating, I had only told a few other close, close friends at that point. I am silly so I convinced myself that I needed to come out by indirect reference: i.e., I didn't want to just sit someone down and say, "hey I like the ladies, waddaya think of that??" Most of my superficial fear at that point stemmed from what I thought would be a ghastly awkward conversation, not the potential that my family would freak out about me slowly roasting like a gay chestnut over the eternal flames of hell. Thankfully, none of the people I love believe that that happens (although I know some people who have been through those types of conversations with their parents and with others and. . .you are so. so. brave.)
My idea of coming out by indirect reference meant this: I wanted people around me to know - friends, roommates, classmates, etc - but I felt like I was supposed to be smooth about it. I thought, saying, "hi you know me i'm your friend i've never told you this but i'm queer," would be awkward. If I had a girlfriend, I could say something on a friday about how I was going to go see the new bond movie with my girlfriend (who happens to be Rachel Weisz), or if I was part of a big gay entourage group I could say, "oh what are you doing tomorrow? oh nice. . .me? I'm just hangin out with the gays." You know. Something indirect. Casual. Well I decided that saying, "oh, this weekend? not much. went home. came out to my parents, made a pie, went out to brunch with some friends," would be less awkward than, "hi how are you by the way there's something you don't know about me."
So that's how I decided to come out to my parents a good 2 weeks after I officially came out to myself. Unusual. Kind of boring. But effective. They took it well. 8 out of 10. I'm a very, very lucky lady to have been raised by ex-pseudo-hippies.
I took the amtrak down to Brier for the weekend and when my parents started the usual, how've you been, what's new routine, I said, "oh what have I been doing? umm. . . stuff. I've been coming out." --silence--
My mom: "heh?"
me: "Uhmm. . .I'm bi."
and so on. . .
They asked some questions, made a verbal list of all the gay/transgender/queer family members and coworkers and coworkers' family members they could think of, and my dad expressed relief that I was never going to end up in an abusive relationship with a big scary man (hrmm?) and they told me they loved me. Yay!
I have a brother too, and it took me 3 years to come out to him, by which time he had already figured it out because it was obvious and i had, like, drag show pictures up on facebook which can sometimes be a hint, by which time I had also labeled myself 5-kinsey-flexible-gay, or something silly like that. What's funny is that my parents had never suspected me but they had always thought my brother was gay. Ha! My brother (says he) is straight. I think he might be kinda bi. Buu-ut, you picks yer own labels, and what does it matter what I think? nada. When I came out to him he started talking about his own, actually, I can really call it a phase of confusion, about his sexuality. So I guess I got the ball rolling. And it was so much less awkward than I thought it would be.
My god that is freaking long. If anybody made it this far. . .then. . .well, thanks! There's more. There's always more. I think sometimes we like to write and rewrite our coming out stories a million times over and over again and make them 10 thousand pages long no matter how superficially uneventful they are because we like to process them to death. Which is a good thing! Coming out makes us feel lots of things.
Lessons & tips: If what you really need is a bit of time to process your feelings and define yourself on your own, then don't let anyone shame you into rushing it. Do it on your own time. Be safe. Enjoy the high! When I first started coming out, I experienced feelings that were the happiest and proudest I ever remember feeling in my entire life. If it's awkward. . .it will get better. Try not to be hard on yourself. Do it your own way.
Resources: The campus LGBTQA center, friends, doing drag for confidence
Nov 30, 2008, 08:31PM PST
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