How to learn to stand up to my mother
How I did it: It took a crisis to get me to confront the fact that for most of my childhood my mother had been emotionally and physically abusive off and on. I was lucky that despite the way she treated me my mother loves me and wanted to improve our relationship.
After the event that opened my eyes, I didn't speak to my mother. I didn't call or write or contact her in any way. If there was some event that necessitated my speaking to her I kept the communication brief, coldly polite and didn't ask any questions about her or offer any information about myself. It was very difficult emotionally and financially, since she cut me off from the money I had been using to go to school.
It was worth it though. I told myself that unless she apologized for what she had done and agreed to work on our relationship WITHOUT anybody telling her that this was what I required of her, I would maintain my silence.
After over a year and a half, she sent me an apologetic email and asking that we work things out. At the meeting things went well, and once we had reached our agreement my step-father asked me if I would have ever initiated contact. I told him that I would have never contacted my mother first, because then I would never be taken seriously. If I had to humble myself and ask for her forgiveness it would have excused everything that she'd done to me up until that point. It would have put me in the weaker position in the relationship for the rest of my life.
Now my relationship with my mother is much better, since we treat each other more like equals. It's still strained, but holding my ground was worth it.
Lessons & tips: Pick the place to make your stand. Don't argue about little things; pick one or two big things that are ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL.
One you've made your stand NEVER, EVER BACK DOWN.
Be prepared to face the consequences. Maybe you'll never speak to your mother again. Maybe you'll have to call in a lawyer or a psychiatrist to help mediate. Maybe you'll isolate the rest of your family. Because these things could happen you have to pick your battle carefully and really KNOW that this is worth it.
Don't try to "turn" people to your "side." Know who will help you before you make your stand. Don't exaggerate the situation and don't demonize your mother, since that will only hurt your cause.
Don't air your dirty laundry in public. If people want to know what's going on give them a one-sentence explanation: "My mother and I had a disagreement." End the conversation there. Torrid stories won't help anything.
Know when you compromise. You won't get everything you want, so know what you'll be willing to give up and know what you won't give ground on.
It could take a long time. As in years or even decades. Be sure you're ready for the long haul.
When you do meet to work things out, don't do it alone. Have an advocate like a psychiatrist or lawyer with you. Let your mother have one too so the playing field is even. It won't help anything if one person is being ganged up on.
Always remember that you're worth it. You may not be popular, you may not be the best, you may not even be right. But as long as you're still worth it, you can do it.
Resources: Your friends are your best resource. Be sure they're comfortable being part of the situation before you involve them in it, and know when it's none of their business.
I was lucky to be in school when I confronted my mother, so I was able to use the counseling and advocacy services there. There's a bunch of red tape and it may end up costing you some money, but having professional and 3rd party people on your side is worth it.
