How to accept loneliness
How I did it: After years of sadness, contentment, depression, rejuvination, solitude, activity, depression I am realising again (the umpteenth time?) that my birth being a difficult one resulting in my separation from my mother for my first 6 months plays a big role in who I am now.
"Attachment", a term in psychology, develops in the eraly month between mother and baby.
At primary school I was always alone at play times. At home I was always alone, an only child. We had few family friends or guests.
At 26 I had my first relationship and I spent all my time angry and proving to him that he wasn't worthy of me, trying to test his devotion. He was devoted, but I left him for another country, because I couldn't believe that I was loved (attachment).
No one else was devoted enough to tolerate me, and I have never really been devoted enough to love - except once, but that finished in a single altercation (disagreement). I was devastated that something so intense both emtionally and physically (for the first time ever) could finish with one sentence.
It destroyed my belief in love. Love is a creation of the mind and souland is WONDERFUL if you can do it. I can't. There's something in the hard-wiring (for me my birth and the subsequent months) that never changes.
When I lived in the city, I had no lfe, I just observed. everything was beautiful, the quality of everytning perfect, but there were no peope. I moved to a village, a new start, and made sure I followed up on people I met, went to visit, popped in for coffee. But months later I realised that it was me that was acting, no one ever visited me. I stopped going and no one seemed to notice.
Seeing patterns that repeat and repeat no matter how differently I behave has led me to some acceptance. don't kno if I do what I do wrong, or if I give wrong messages, but I do know taht beating myself up becasue of it doesn't change anything.
My life is what it is. In many ways it couldn't be better. I live in a beautiful place surrounded by mountains and peace, I love non-materialistically and naturally. I create and labour! I feel so sad for the company people, the city people, the trapped people.
This doesn't mean I don't cry when I'm low and it doesn't mean theat I don't wish I had family or just friends who came and went. It just means that blaming myself is doubly beating myself up....
I don't live my days optimistically believing that one day things will change. They may or may not change. The hope is itself tiring and depressing, exhausting. If things change they will change. The moment has to be enough. My moments are wonderful, when I can block out the sadness...and mostly I do, because I know it doesn't go anywhere.
Lessons & tips: Recognise your repetetive thoughts.
If they aren't positive, why have them? Can you block them? waht can you replace them with.
PLEASE at 25 don't think your life will never change. You probably have another 50 years for something to happen!!!
Don't blame.
Resources: Jenny Ditzler: Your Best Year Yet... I have long lost the book but insde the cover is the sentence: YOu are like an ornage tree that is struggling to grow oranges.
Feldenkrais Method work
