stop cutting myself

Well I’ve been doing okay. I want too a lot more now. I’m pushing my friends away again… I hate doing that but they have their own lives… I miss hanging out with them though. Oh well, I haven’t cut since around mid-December, so I’m doing good.
I’m not sure what else…

Well I had a slip up about four weeks ago???.... great… I was going on my fifth month? Yeah fifth. But I got pissed at my parents, brother, my two best friends ditched me, so I was felling alone and cut six times on my shoulder before I realized what I had done. So starting from scratch again… Ive tossed myself in enough extra curriculars to make one insane but I need to keep busy. And I told myself I would stop before I turned 18… didn’t make that goal; sucks. I’m on week four clean now.

I’ve been doing really good, the only “cuts” on my arms are from my new dog who kinda likes to bite when she’s playing and sometimes she’ll get a good hold on my arm or hand and as I pull away I sometimes get torn up but other than that I’ve been doing really good. I think the last time I did was… three months ago?
I guess my timing is really great because I’m starting a new school, and moving to a new town, and junk. Though everyone is pissing me off more I’m finally able to calm myself with out cutting myself… I wish I knew what I was doing to make me not want to cut other than music… I just recently (a week ago) got my new puppy; Luna, So I don’t think she helped in it. I’ll be listening to something like Hannah Montana or some gay kid crap like that, and it makes me laugh and not think about cutting as much. Hopefully it doesn’t start back up again during school; which starts soon…

I’m legally incompetent, I can’t get a counselor without parental supervision! How dumb is that? I’m old enough to decide for my self but by law I’m not. I had found one but since I’m only 17 I can’t sign the paper work. I guess I should tell my parents I want someone else to talk to but I don’t want them to know until I’m ready.

Just when I think I have it beat, I slip up! These past two weeks my arm has become a writing board! I hate it! I want to stop, and my friend found me a counselor, but I’m still in school- she dropped out- and I can’t go there when she’s there (or around the same time) because I’m in school. I hadn’t cut in two months and then boom! Everything came down again! It totally sucks! I mean on thing then another. I tried calling my friends but they were busy, and I couldn’t talk to anyone! I even ran, but before I knew it I had my razor, and there were twenty seven new marks on my arm. I want to quiet. But I don’t know how.

Well, I tried giving up something for a month to see if I could, that way in the same theory I could give up cutting. I gave up soda, something I’m addicted to but in an equal since don’t need. It sounded better in my mind than actually doing it. I’ve actually avoided soda- and now it tastes like shit…- but cutting isn’t the same as drinking soda… it’s like my high and it’s not easy to stop… Dusti is going to kill me! ... if I don’t beat her to it and what’s worse is I’ve started over dosing then cutting, so now I have two highs, and both are extremely bad. Just great huh? I’m starting to think I can’t beat this… and it’s drawing closer to my dead line! I don’t want to tell my parents but I have to if I can’t stop!

My best friend Dusti and another friend of mine Winter were talking and decided that my “rash” wasn’t a rash and set out to stop it. I confessed to Dusti that it really wasn’t a rash and I lied because my brother was in the room and if he finds out he’ll bomb me even more about it and tell my parent. I think I’ve done pretty well the last time I cut was four days ago, though I think I made it count- which is a bad thing- about twenty different cuts all deep and they hurt! I’ve been going to Dusti’s house nearly everyday, but Friday when I cut, I was pissed, I told her she needed to come out to my house because I wouldn’t be able to make it there then back to work. But she didn’t make it out so that just pissed me off even more, and I ended up cutting.
Yesterday when I was with her though, she asked to see my arm, so I had no choice but to show her. She told me I need to stop before I went to far, and I’m aware I need to and I am really trying to stop. I really hope that I will be able to wear short sleves with out having to press my wrist to my side hiding it in shame or wear a million bracelet on my arm to hide it.
I think with Dusti back I might beable to stop sooner because she went through the same thing and was able to stop so maybe she can help me.

Well the day I posted this my brother, mom, dad, two of my friends, and several others pissed me off. I did good and didn’t cut… that day anyway. The exact same people pissed me off the next day. I went to work… though I didn’t need to that day so I could get out of the house. I didn’t intend on grabbing the razor blade there, I didn’t even think about it. Some of the customers were being rude, and I tried my hardest to be polite even if my day was going down the shiter. I went to the bathroom, to get away for a little while so I could breathe. Thing is in the employee bathroom, you don’t want to breathe- it fuckin’ reeks! There was a razor blade sitting on the sink, I saw it and tried to ignore it… I really did. I cut the side of my wrist with tiny little cuts so one, no one would really notice and two, I just mainly needed the feeling at the time. I haven’t stopped since, the people are pissing me off more and more, and I keep using the razor every night, making tiny cuts, but deep enough that they seem to never stop bleeding on the side of my left wrist. It almost looks like some sort of rash now, they are extremly close together and for some reason they itch like hell. My best friend saw them when I stopped by the other day, I lied to her, saying it was a rash. What kind of “best friend” am I lieing to her like that? I could have told her the truth, she’d help me. But I quickly pulled away, and said it was a rash, and that it could be contagious. What the hell was I thinking…. wow, I don’t usually cuss this much. I really want to stop before my 17th Birthday, and that’s my goal, but if I keep lieing, and pushing my friends away I know I won’t make it. Phss, I really need to learn to handle this shit better.

I’ve been running and calling this hotline when I have the earge to cut, but latly it’s been getting harder and harder. I got so frustrated at work the other day I was half tempted to grab the razor blade I saw there and go to the bathroom and cut with it. My mom has let off some but, if she finds out I haven’t done any English in a while I’m S.O.L.
I don’t know maybe I’m just crazy, but atleast I haven’t cut in a while so that’s good.

I was doing good, I hadn’t cut in a little over a week! I was doing so well, then my mom started yelling at me for my grades, my dad started chewing me out for other junk and my brother turned my righ arm black&blue. Gawd it hurts. I was reading, listening to music, hell I even tried marking the places I normally cut with a red pen to not cut and I started thinking about all this and next thing I knew I had ten new cuts on my left upper- under portion of my arm. Then at school today, my friend was telling me about how /they/ are all conserined I’m suicidal, and junk, and that just made me mad because last time she said shit like that the pricipal found out and saw my wrists! I wound up going to the bathroom and using a key to open four of my scars. I really want to stop. And I tried not to cut! I really did… I don’t know what to do.