have a positive attitude

Having decided about my marriage and converted that goal to ‘end my marriage’, I looked through my other goals and realized that ‘feel more certain about the choices I make’ is really part and parcel with ‘having a more positive attitude’. or perhaps both would really fall into something more like ‘believing in myself’, having self-confidence,...I don’t know. I was actually in a pretty good place until this whole marriage thing started anyway—I had a good job, my kids were doing well, I lived in a nice place and had few financial worries, I had walked away from a toxic boyfriend, (who I then allowed myself to be talked into marrying a year later).

Looking back, I think it may have actually been my decision to take that good job and move away from him that in fact started me down the road to ruin. had I stayed put, things would be so different now!! but who knows, there’s a lot of good in my life that I would not have if I had chosen that path.

My angel card this week – integrity.

I feel so beaten by life today that a positive attitude is just not possible. I know I’ve screwed up royally, and wish I could turn back the clock – I shouldn’t have left the city, I shouldn’t have married R, I had a good life just getting on track, and because of the siren call of ambition, I destroyed everything. At this point I feel lower than a worm, and the worst of it is that I can’t even confide this to the guy in the next room because he’ll just ridicule me, and then use it against me in a fight. I feel so demoralized around him. I’d have decided to walk away from the marriage long ago (see my first goal), except my baby loves her daddy, and was quite unhappy during our 3 month separation, and because right now I don’t think I could be financially independent without ruining my older kids’ lives even more.

How do you live with yourself, let alone have a positive attitude, when you know your life is this bad because of you, and there’s nothing you can do to fix it without hurting a lot of folks you love???

when I was little my mom used to yell at me – ‘no one will ever want to be your friend with an attitude like that’ well, there’s a sure-fire way to help me feel better about myself, don’t you think??

I don’t know if attitude is organic and chemical or if it’s trained into us at an early age, but I do know that I’m on the short end of both sticks, and I have to try twice as hard to model that happier attitude for my kids who learn their cues from me. I want them to feel all the love and acceptance I did not have, and to travel the world full of confidence and love. Heaven knows, I love them more than anything, and I will always love them unconditionally. :-)