love myself

How do you love yourself when the one who was supposed to love you confesses they never did? When no one has ever truly loved you, how are you supposed to feel like you are worth loving? And how do you trust a man when not one has ever been truthful with you? And when the one you love so much doesn’t return your love, how do you let go? How do you let go of the family you thought you had? And how do you explain to a 4 year old that mommy and daddy won’t be together anymore? Or do you stay together for the sake of the kids? How do you know what’s right?

I want to feel special again. I look at pictures from a few years ago and see a vibrant girl who can’t wait to see what the world has in store for her. I look at recent pictures and see someone who looks much older, hardened, and maybe even jaded. Someone who has lost much of her luster for life. I often miss who I use to be, but then again that girl was blind. I no longer feel I could endure the heartbreak that girl did. And I am sorry that the shine she had in her eyes has died.

This is my 2nd child and this pregnancy is totally different from the first. With my son I was discovering more of who I really was and for the most part I was happy, confident, and felt sexier than ever. This time I feel fat and uncomfortable and can’t wait to get back to feeling like myself. I love the kind of mom I am though. I feel like my kids will be proud of me. And with a lot of work, maybe someday soon I’ll be proud of myself too.

I haven’t made much progress with this goal yet, but I’m still trying. I’m pregnant right now, but I know it’ll be a little easier for me to attain this goal once the baby comes. I’m looking forward to being able to go for a run again. It was something small I use to do for myself but it made me feel great!! I need to find things like that for me to do now though. I think it’ll make me feel a lot better sooner rather than later.

I’ve always had issues with loving myself and had made a lot of progress. About a year ago my husband let me know that we were having problems in our relationship and for the first time he let me know what he really thought about me. Since then it’s been extremely difficult to love myself and to trust him. I feel badly about having let him get so close to me and I feel foolish for believing I was something special. I know I need to work on this again and I am going to try. If for no other reason, then because I don’t want to feel like this anymore.