acknowledge i have learnt something from everyone i know

i feel unsure. so very very unsure. thats the only wortd i can think of that describes what i mean. im not scared. im not confused. i know what i want. but i am still unsure. purely because of the consequences. the way my actions may affect some one i care very deeply about. in a hurtful way. without me being aware. and thus being unable to do anything about it.

when i first stumbled across 43things i loved this site. i still love the whole idea of this site. the community feel and the way in which everyone encourages each other. i wanted to use this site to help me become the person i am still trying to be.

but a few things happened preventing me from using this site to its full potential.

firstly i made it personal. to begin with i could use this site as i had a photo of the leaning tower of pisa as my display picture. no one would know this was me thus allowing me to be honest. i had just been through a very rough couple of months and i had decided to turn a new leaf, so this was my outlet. somewhere i could seek encouragement without actively asking anyone to compare the ‘old me’ with the ‘new me’. i wanted to be judged without the knowledge of the past.

this sounds silly coming from someone my age. gah.

anywho. i changed. again. and not for the worse. personally i dont think so anyway. it was more of i was no longer trying to maintain the dramatic change in character i first put upon myself. i allowed myself to do what made me happy. i like to believe i am a good person. i feel i am mature for my age. but i am still a teenager. i still like to go out and do teenage things. i smoke. i drink. i go out clubbing underage. i go out without planning where i will spend the night. i dont use drugs but allow people to use around me. i like girls. i flirt with boys. thats me. and if its something people dont approve of then… i am sorry.

but towards… october? i dunno. i stopped writing on here. because i had unfortunately (?) started to actually care what everyone thought of who i was. i didnt wanna write about what i was doing because i didnt wanna disappoint anyone.

i had/have subscribers. you all joined/subscribed when i was trying hard hard HARD to be ‘good’ so i thought that you would unsubscribe (aka stop giving a shit about how i was doing) if i was honest.

the majority of people i see on this site are older than me. and they are such good wholesome people. but no matter how hard i try i cannot relate to all their stories or goals they are trying to achieve. it becomes simliar to conversation with aunties and uncles- i am talking to about school, university, work, the activities that i participate in that are ‘suitable’ for someone my age… so i almost feel like i tarnish the shiny perfection of the site!!

and …. i am starting to wander into the huge abyss of my mind :P

the point is. when i start writing entries from now i am going to be honest again. and i wanna apologise to anyone who has subscribed. because you may have an image of someone who is not me. alot of people have made that mistake lately. but in order for me to use this site to acheive what i want and need to for 2009 i need to be honest. so i will be. and if you dont like what you read then… sorry.

having said that it is not as though i stealing, murdering, assaulting anyone. i am not dealing drugs, or using drugs. but i know that some of my behaviour shocked my sister when she returned from europe just recently and thats when i fully realised this image of me that people construct.

so no more constructions.

these are my mistakes. and these are the things that i will experience and learn from. but im not ready to do it all by myself just yet.

this is someone else i am not sure where to start. she has taught me alot. she has helped me look at a few situations from different points of view, and remember that there is two sides (at least!) to every story. and to keep all sides in mind when deciding how to react.
she has also helped me learn who i am. maybe what i have instead discovered is how little i know about myself. but the things i do know, i feel very passionately about.

it puts so much stuff in perspective. i mean… a night that i thought was one of the bets of my life other people had their lives falling down around their ears.. and its not fair.
it puts in perspective how self involved we all are and how little we know about what is happening in others’ lives… i so want to do something to help the people out there who are both less fortunate than me and those who are less happy! its overwhelming!
i… i cant find the words to explain how i feel.

i am so lucky. no matter how bad things get, there are those out there who are experiencing worse and are less fortunate. sometimes, i should just shut up and put it in perspective.

mr b is my music teacher, and i have had the pleasure of having him teach my for the past five years. at the farewell concert last night, i made a speech to thank him… ill just write in the introduction…

‘we have had the pleasure of having mr b as both teacher and mentor for the past five years. thats is a LONG time! (:P) no, seriously, think about the first five years of your life, and everything you learnt in that time- how to walk, talk, dress yourself, spell your name and tie your shoe laces. These are all important lessons that you remember for the rest of your life. Mr b, all you have taught me through your love of life and music for the past five years, i will cherish forever.’

this girl is, amazing, in a word. she has been there for me in times when i really do need someone to lean on. and she has taught me how to have fun, even when the rest of the world is crashing down around my ears. when things look bleak she turns up, smiling, and drags me outta my mood (kicking and screaming) and takes me out. even when i leave the house sullen and refusing to have a good time i go home smiling, mind buzzing with the events and adventures she has taken me on.

and it is through her dragging me out that i have had the ability to realise that it does not matter if you think you are having the crappest luck ever. its how you deal with it. if you do everything you can to make things right, then you have done all you can. and if it still hasnt sorted itself out, then sit back and enjoy the ride. who knows, you might come out the other side grinning like a maniac.

after reading her entries and just reading the goal i realised something my sister said just last week is so true. people are so much more influential than we realise. and we are influenced by them and learn sooo much. and i think if i thought about it i would be able to think of one thing per person i know that they taught me.
so, i too wanna do this goal.