Feel/Be Beautiful

I was rejected and she wasn’t even all that sexy/beautiful…considering the circumstances, how am I suppose to feel? How can I ever consider myself anything worthy if I’m consistently being shown other wise

I’m really quite miserable and it’s gotten to the point where I can have a thought and all of a sudden I’ll break out in tears. No matter where I am. Today I was on the A train, with my mother. I cried quietly as she read her book so she didn’t notice. I hate myself. I hate my life. I think I’m so ugly and unattractive. No one will ever love me the way I need them to. I’m so undeserving. I hate my body. I hate my face. Even the makeup and pretty clothes can not hide the hideous tragedy underneath. And my hair…it’s not what I want it to be. I’m not where I want to be. I feel like I’m working so hard to be this person so to make myself happy and I’m not getting closer. Or if I am, it’s moving maybe one step per month, then every other month I get shuved 3 steps back. I don’t know what to do. I’m so miserable. And I’ve begun throwing up again. I can’t stop crying. i want so much and I don’t know how to not want. I can’t be satisfied, esp. with so many ppl constantly making me feel like shyt. But I’m sure it’s mostly my own pressure. Why can’t I be this woman I yearn? This woman that she (my future wife) will desire. No one looks at me, no one stares…my mother say ppl stare when there’s something nice to look at….obviously I’m not then. Their disapproval mixed with mines = An Endless Pool of Tears. I’m not sure what I need, but a psychologist might be handy to have around right now.

I like it, but I’m oily. Powder is a must….....

I wear makeup almost everyday…

I truly blv that I wont ever feel/be beautiful until I lose weight.

Even with my sinking eye bags, I still thought I looked pretty. However, I have gained weight. I’m too afraid to look at the scale, but I know I’ve gained. But I still felt pretty today…in my lil black dress.

It’s just so fucken not worth the effort. There are people who admire my hair, and think I have such nice hair, but I personally hate it. Something has to be done. I’ve even thought about just cutting it really short. I dont like the way it shapes around my face at the ends. I dont like layers and I dont like it straight. I dont it’s short nature. AT this point, the only way to revive my hair, is to wear it messy. I like it messy, not all straight and neat with this stupid ass perm. I like it curly. I like it tied up in a bun, with out-of-place strands of hair falling to the sides. I hate my hair so much, that I always carry hair pins to skool with me in case I get so fucken tired of it that I just want to just put it up into a simple “pea-cok” style. It’s actually quite nice. I’ve even gotten compliments on this “pea-cok” hairstyle, that is actually effortless. I’ve gotten so use to pinning my hair up that I can change hairstyles with just a simple hand movement. Now to hide my unflattering hair, I’m thinking of just keeping it in buns and an “ericka badu” type scarf style. (ofcourse my hair is not nearly as much as Ms. Erykah Badu) When my hair is long enough, like the 1st picture, then I’ll get bangs like that.

I feel myself developing the layers of fat I have always despised. I should be punished for allowing my body to reach this beastly state. I want to die. I want to die. Oh how I can only dream of wearing mini shorts and tube tops. With such clothing, my rolls would only be out, in the open, in places on my body where the world would see. My ugliness should be hidden. I’m too ashamed to go out, besides the fact that NOTHING fits. My cheeks are swelling, my thighs are bulging, and my stomach is pertruding through what use to be my abs of steel. I feel myself gaining weight, however the scale has not moved. Muscles must be decreasing, while fat is developing in its place. It’s the Bulimia I tell you! Damn You Kellie! I am only hurting myself! My body is forming into the one thing I sought to omit. This must end, before I’m forced to kill myself out of hatred and disappointment.

• Skin: I’m using Proactiv now
• Body: 110 Here I come!
• Dance: Dancing helps me feel beautiful. I’ll dance atleast every other day.
• Appearance: Spending a lil more time in the morning to get ready, is worth the feeling of confidence.

starts with me. I want it and so I shall fetch, then recieve. Confidence is the main reason I dont feel beautiful. NOw I will list on the things I see as flaws; things I feel make me unworthy of love from myself or others:

• I dont like my face, it could be shaped better. Although, its not Horrible. It just could be better. (I’ve seen worse)
• My cheeks are chubby, but I swear that has something to do with the bulimia and am hoping that it will go down once I’ve lost a lil weight. But it may not, cuz my mom was thin and she had chubby cheeks.
• My skin. Acne is killig me.( However, Pro-activ is near)
• Weight…..hmm….not sure wut to say about this one. I want to lose some. Atleast 15 and no more than 25?? (110 is my goal, 105 is my limit, but I’m willing to stop at 115 if I’m happy with it – hahah, that rhymes!!)
• My thighs…...I’ve always despised them. I think thats why when I use to cut, I would always cut my legs (becuz I hate them so much). But I’m slowly learning to appreciate nice, strong legs. They mite just look sexi on me. _HOPE
• My Calves…looks manly. Although, I’ve seen this chick who shall remain nameless and her calves were big, but I could definitely, without a doubt work with that. She was sexi.
• My arms…..use to be smaller. Wut happened??
• Double-chin. I swear I feel it coming in, but everyone thinks I’m crazy.
• Ass…I want a bigger one. Sum ppl swere my ass is huge, but I think its too small. but w.e.
• Breasts…now i’m just picking at myself. My breasts are okay, I’m just scared they’ll get smaller if I lose weight. Thats why I’m willing to compromise with the weight, cuz I dont wanna lose my chest.
• Complexion…I wish I was lighter. dont know why. not too light, maybe like a caramel. Or am I already caramel? hmmm