not smoke for 1 day...

but i totally facked that up, not for lack of effort, but it just didn’t happen.

:(

Tomorrow would have been my great gramma’s 88th birthday. She raised me and was like a mom to me. As a gift to her I am going to try with all I have to get through the day with out a smoke.

Im writing this next part as if she can read it so that I can look back on it tomorrow when I feel like I need supportI love you gram, there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of you. Hope that I can make you proud of me tomorrow. I miss you so much but I know that I can’t just try to make myself numb and distant as a way to ‘avoid’ having to lose anyone else. I want so badly to see you again, sometimes it feels as if I’ve just given up since you’ve been gone. If you came back tomorrow I don’t know that I would be comfortable enough with the choices that I make in my life to tell you. I mean I know that I would tell you, and you wouldn’t judge me, but its just the fact that I would hesitate to tell you that confirms my suspicions that Im letting myself get left behind in life. I just have to recall those lessons that you taught me;
-I am the only one who can make my dreams happen, and I’ll have to get outta the way to do it. Never really got that before, but seems to me like you were telling me that I could have or do anything that I wanted so long as I was willing to give it my all, even if it meant personal ‘suffering’ (material suffering)
-there is always someone more deserving than me that has it worse… still think that this one means that I should always try to smile and look for the best
-great minds don’t think alike, they think for themselves. This is prolly the one that I have adhered to the best since you have left, for as you know I have always had a really hard time being anyone else besides myself. Prolly why I never pursued acting.
-Do onto others what you’d have them do onto you, ah the golden rule. But it makes so much sense, people treat you how you treat them, they take their cues as to what is acceptable from you, ties into the whole ‘mimicry is a form of admiration’
To wrap it up (even though you know I don’t want to) I love the person that you helped me to be, and I don’t want to lose her just because you are gone. It was so much easier to remember lessons when I could hear them again and again and again, and its beyond shocking how fast my memories of you are seeming to leave me. Holding you in my heart always
your kid
Ashie

p.s- XOXOXOXO

so Im planning on quitting smoking. As I have tried before i know that it is important to both reward yourself for the baby steps and try to keep the pressure off.
Think this is a great way to do both.