Treat myself like my best friend.

I would love it if somebody else came and took the job. I would really enjoy having a best friend.

And I will continue to do this. I was not one of those people who were blessed with handfuls of friends growing up let alone one really good friend. My self-esteem issues prevailed and i had a dificult time maintaining friendships. My feeling that I didn’t deserve love or friendship held on for a long time. It continued with a lack of trust. I can’t say that I am over those items. I make friends easier and I trust a little easier but I am my best friend right now. I will continue to be my best frined until somebody else comes and fills those shoes.

I have been talking with two guys. I ont’ know where things are going with either one of them. I don’t believe that either one of them is the love of my life but they both offer something that would help me grow as a person. They both wanted to spend time with me yesterday, either in person or on the phone. I didn’t want to hang out with either one of them. I wanted to visit with my oldest daughter. I treated myself like my best freind becasuse I did what my heart told me to do. We had pizza and beer at Marcos and caught up with each other. I drove her home and then I was feeling the pressure to call oboth of these guys last night. I decided that I was going to do what I wanted to do instead. I went to the gym. (Yes, after pizza and beer, I went to the gym, weird.) and worked out for an hour and a half. I took a long hot shower and came home and fell asleep. I have had some trouble sleeping the last few days so I was very happy. I was tuckered out, relaxed and happy. Not a bad way to fall asleep. I couldn’t have been a better friend to myself.

I have often thought, as heartless as this might sound, that you should not use things that happened to you during your childhood as a crutch later on in life. Things happen that are beyond your control as a child but to live a sane life, you need accept it, “work through it” and move on. Very few people live a perfect life and what happens along the way shapes and molds us into who we are.

Here is where I am a hypocrite. I blame the selfishness of one husband and the lying and cheating of the second husband for my inability to trust. I blame the hurt I felt from them for my inability to love and trust again. I blame the teasing that my brother inflicted on me for so many years for my insecurities about my body. I look at the dysfunctional family atmosphere of an alcoholics home for my inablity to trust my own feelings and intuitions. I can point fingers at this and that, I am like this because of such and such, and as much as I try to learn and change, I have somewhere to lay the blame. Where does todays accontability come into play.

I have been angry a lot lately as I think back about my past, expecially concerning my two marriages. I am blaming and pointing fingers in my head, looking for somebody to take some responsibility for thier share of the failure. I realized yesterday that maybe I haven’t taken enough responsibility. I let somebody control and manipulate me, I had a choice in that. I let somebody emotionally and verbally abuse me, I had a choice in that as well. Maybe I didn’t have the confidence and self-esteem to fight while it was happening and I do need to forgive myself for that. But I can not use what happened to me back then as an excuse for my fear to trust and love again now. Pointing a finger and blaming will not erase past events or eliminate my current fear.

My best friend would tell me to let it all go. It is the past. Although past behavior often predicts future behavior, you are different. You have more confidence and self-esteem and you would not allow those same things to happen to you again. You are smarter and wiser. Stop the blame game because it is not adding any happiness in your life. Letting yourself love and trust again will add something to your life. You may run the risk of getting hurt but there is no great accomplishment without great risk. Time to let go of the anger towards the ex’s and yourself, let the forgiveness ease your pain and move on. It is time for happiness again.

your best friend would have said, “take your own car so you can leave if you want.” She also would have said “keep your mouth shut until you know for sure.” But most importatn of all she would say, “forgive yourself, you are human and allowed to make mistakes.” She would also say, “but now don’t be stupid and let it drag out, nip it in the bud no matter how uncomfortable.”

I know that I have mentioned that I am going to give up my 28 yr old tall dark and handsome but I don’t know if I really want to. It is a constant battle in my head. Unfortunately it is not really a moral one, although it probably should be. Frankly I am really just looking at it through my own selfish eyes. Asking myself is it worth it? Is it gratifying enough for all the work I have to do? Is the exciting clandestine rendez-vous going to turn into an annoying inconvenience? Is the lack of emotional connection going to slip and turn into something more than it should? I have a lot of answers to these questions, already thought of them all. Even after I make my decision to stop seeing this guy, and then I see him in person, his voice will melt me, his touch will spark a fire within me, his kiss evaporates my will and I can’t say no.

so is it pleasing or punishing? sounds like both. What is best for me? Even I, as my best friend, can’t seem to answer this question.

why so sad? maybe you just need to watch a good old girlie flick and do a little crying. Maybe you need to take a little more control of the situation. I have seen this before. When you let things in your life become too out of hand than you become afraid of confronting them and you tend to get depressed. This is not sadness you feel this is fear. So recognize it, acknowledge it.

So now, what are you going to do about it?

Come on you chicken, take care of it and the feeling will go away. If you feel in control of your life then you can have no fear. If you are aware, you will be less likely to be blindsided. You can do this, You need to do this.

Take control!!!! NOW!

need to be met
you need to go home to visit, to see the city to take some time for you with no doctors appointments.

You need to stop seeing that young tall dark and handsome, you are stressing out just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

you need to go to the gym now that you have a car and workout, ger rid of some stress.

you need to wash you sheets, stay in bed and read your book.

you need some you time. Take it.

I watch 3 hours of tv a week. law and order, greys anatomy and beauty and the geek. This weeks episode of greys anatomy touched me. Before I even seen it happen I new that Meredith would see her mother and she would tell her that she was not ordinary. When it hit me that this is what was going to happen, it also hit me, “what would my father tell me if I died today?”

I fight with myself, I beat myself up every day for things I did do, things I didn’t do, for who I am, for what I have become, for the mistakes I made, for what I look like, for just not beign good enough.

Today, I cried like I haven’t cried in years, because I know my dad would shake me, he would lay his hand on the side of my head and tell me how proud he is of me. He would tell me that I am a great mom, that I have made many sacrifice fr my family, I am a hard worker and that I deserve the love I don;t allow myself to accept. I know that in my heart. I know exactly what he would tell to start doing and what he would tell me to stop doing. I know I have made him proud for so many reasons along the way and he would be mad at me for not treating myself better.

Dear God, why do I miss him so much now. It feels like I think about him more and more and it has been so long. Why does his being gone hurt so much more now?

I did what I really wanted to do today.