stop hating myself

Early last week, a friend of mine told me that her friend’s daughter had been raped. I comforted her, and through the process of talking to her, I told her that it had also happened to me in my early twenties. I have never told either of my parents as I basically just suppressed it. The realisation came to me that for years I made bad choices because I felt guilty and dirty, and that the bad choices were not because I was a bad person but because of my confusion after being sexually assaulted, making me feel worthless. I realised that this underlying feeling of hating myself has stemmed from this. I think I have for once made a positive step towards NOT hating myself, realising that it was not my fault what happened to me.

Trying to break down the reasons why I got to feel like this.

1) Upbringing…parents always told me bad things about myself, didn’t emphasise any good points. ..and my older sister always put me down.

2) The break down of my parents and family in my teens led me to behave in a rebellious way…so I did bad things, which reinforced my belief that I deserved being hated.

3) I struggle with being a SAHM with no help from my husband, so I always feel inadequate, which makes me thing I am hopeless, consequently leads to more self hatred.