quit drinking

I’m trying again. No, not trying…i’m going to succeed. Everytime I decide to quit- I don’t drink for a while and then con myself into believing that I can have one drink. Just one. Like a normal person. One with dinner…or to celebrate. Just one. Last night, after a week of sobriety, I had just one. Then 6, then 12. I feel terrible this morning. I failed again. I have to commit to this fully or not at all. I’m simply not someone who can have just one.
There is so much negative because of alcohol. I don’t even remember how to interact or look at like without my beer goggles. I’m ready. I’m ready! Today is day 1 again.

Today is my official “week 1”. I think this week has been a huge success for me. Last week at this time, I was feeling sick and frusterated at myself, having just come off of a 4-day binge. I spent a lot of time reflecting this week. Not just on 43things, but to my husband and within my own head. The irony of life is sometimes too much to take, since I met a person in my Saturday class who is currently attending AA and a huge success as far as how far she has come to quit drinking and doing drugs. She was an inspiration, but also a reality check that i’m not the only other “normal” person who has quit…and in every day life the person sitting next to you could have dealt with the same struggles as you. Basically, alcoholics don’t wear different clothes, speak a different language, or have “loser” tattooed on our heads. Instead, we are just like the rest of the population – just not holding a drink. Saturday night my husband and went to a nice restraunt for dinner. I checked over the wine menu, finding some of the best I have seen in a long time. I reluctantly ordered a sparkling water and watched my husband drink down two of my favorite IPA’s. I thought about asking for a sip and then thought again…why? What satisfaction will I get from a sip? None. I’ll just want more. End up ordering one, then two, and by the end of the night i’ll be passed out a half-rack of bottles empty on the kitchen counter and angry at myself beyond words. I took another sip of my tonic water.

I went to therapy today. Not for drinking, but for my normal psychological issues. Funny how the only thing I could think about was what a fool I have made of myself while drinking and how many of my problems I have looked into in therapy could probably have been solved with a 12-step program. I remember, at one point in college, thinking to myself how insane people were for having a drink before 7pm, or worse yet a bloody mary with breakfast. NASTY. I am now that person. I wake up ready to start the day and by noon, I wish I had a Hefeweizen in hand. I wonder how often beer is the culprit? I know most people i’ve heard talk in AA have dealt with the hard stuff. I, personally, have issues with the wheaty, thick Microbrews. Not that the formula makes a difference, they are all equally destructive.

How do I feel? I have a headache. One that quite simply won’t go away…and lets be honest….my body feels “ireegular”. I’ve gone longer than this without alcohol….but not since I become a “regular” on the barstool. Last night, I went to a bar with a friend and ended up drinking spiced cider. It wasn’t that hard….until I hear myself start ordering a beer. As you all know, it took an act of god to replace the words “IPA” with “another cider”...but I did it. For once, I didn’t regret anything I said, I didn’t forget anything I said, I didn’t right-out lie, (this is common for me when I drink, to just make things up that never happened), I didn’t spend a fortune, and I drove home sober. This is terrible, I realize, but there is something about getting in the car and leaving a bar sober that makes you paranoid. I have left so many times intoxicated, I forgot what it was like to not worry about swerving or headlights in your rearview. 3 days down…..a lifetime to go.

Today is day two. I have already started with my typical denial stages…
1. I’m not realistically going to be able to do this. All events in my life require drinking.
2. How am I going to explain to my drinking buddies that I have quit?
3. Do people actually go out and not have a glass of wine with dinner? What about wine tasting?
4. I’ll probably never be invited to another event like a superbowl party, or a brewfest. No one wants you there if you are not drinking.
5.How will i ever loosen up and become social again? I’m normally such an introvert.
6. What about after-work beers? Will I become someone who doesn’t fit in at work because of this decision?
7. Do I tell people why?
8. What about just setting a limit? Won’t that work? Just one glass of wine to show people that i’m still “cool”?
9. How am I supposed to get through a football game????

This is terrible. Its only the second day and i’m already going through these crazy thoughts of why I should be able to drink again. I guess this proves how much of a problem I have! I’m still a bit sick and hung over from Sunday. I can’t believe it has lasted this long. Anyway, the point being, I realize these are all things that i’m going to have to contend with for a long time to come. I’ve had some amazing times in the past with drink-in-hand. I guess I’m going to have to learn to have those times sans drink.

I’m calling this day one, eventhough yesterday was actually my first day sober. I don’t feel sober today, nor did I feel sober yesterday. I feel sick. Really, really sick. I’m going on day 2 of the worst hangover i’ve ever had – clearly after spending the day in one of the most destructive drinking days i’ve ever had. Just another reason to quit. My husband said he found me asleep on the couch in the middle of the day, mumbling to myself. He was sure I had had a psychotic break. I don’t think he was too far off. I’d completely fallen apart. I still feel like I have. Everytime I think about drinking or the stupid things I did over the last couple days, I get a flish of hot…a burning sensation of embarrassment, fear, and guilt. Today is my day one, and tomorrow will be my day two. I started reading chapter one of the AA book last night. I didn’t go to a meeting because I got home too late…I made my own little meeting, curled up in a ball, cried, and now i’m moving on. Another day. Another sober day: tomorrow.

I’m falling apart a bit. I came on this site after my 1st AA meeting and then quickly started drinking again. I am currently coming off of a 4 day binge and I need to stop for good.

Yesterday about 3pm I came down with the most horrible headache and it is continuing. Its so painful and regardless of the number of cigarettes I smoke, asprin I take, or hours of sleep I get I can’t seem to shake it. Today is only day 4. Tomorrow I have a therapy apointment, and then dinner with friends. Friends I normally drink with. I’m concerned about my willpower, as I know there is going to be alcohol in the house. I know I can make it through, but its going to be painful. I plan to go to another AA meeting on Sunday. I know I need to because i’m constantly planning how to drink again. I constantly tell myself that I can have ONE beer if it remains only one. I just have to keep the video playing in my head of all the times i’ve hurt the people I love and all the stupid things I have done under the influence of alchohol. Those are my true motivators.

I find myself falling apart in a number of different ways right now. Firstly, falling into peices of self-analysis. Yesterday, so many times, I thought how great it would be to just buy a 6-pack of Corona and sit on the back porch and watch the dogs run. What harm is there in that? Driving home, I thought to myself that I would never be able to keep sober. How would I spend romantic evenings and dinners with my husband without a bottle of wine or a glass of champagne? When I finally developed the answer, I realized that I have NEVER had a GLASS of champagne. In fact, I end up ruining most romantic evenings by drinking too much and passing out or making an idiot of myself otherwise. The more I tell myself that I need to drink- the harder I look at the reasons I shouldn’t. Took 3 blouses and a dress to the dry cleaner yesterday that I had ruined in multiple drunken sprees in hopes that they can be fixed and returned to new. First my clothing, then my life.

I used this site a couple of years ago to gain the support necessary to quit smoking. Once I stopped logging in, I started smoking again. My original goal was to stop binge drinking. Since that time, my binge drinking has turned into full-blown drinking. I quit yesterday 08/16/2009 and went to my first ever AA meeting. I have come to the conclusion that I can’t do it alone- its my own brain and chemistry that i’m fighting against. Today is going to be 2 days sober. I know, because I will not drink. I cannot destory anymore relationships in the name of alcohol. I am broken.