Learn the balance between Niceness and Doormat

This is a hard one, unfortunately. I am nice by nature and I care, a lot. Recently I have found that I often care more, worry more and let other people’s feelings influence me to an extent which they do not do for me. I have a hard time enjoying parties/seeing friends/whatever if someone is sulking in a corner, I can think about something someone said for days and I’ll happily drop everything to help someone out, even to the extent it ruins my plans. I let other people ruin my good time; often people I barely know, because I think it’s my job to make sure they have a good time, feel ok. But no one else ever seem to care this much about every single person around them. Everyone else seems to focus mainly on making themselves happy, which is probably a much better way of living. Seeing as everyone else seem to prioritise themselves, then surely I should prioritise me? Because I don’t think anyone else will.

Just found this ‘doormat checklist’ and it turns out I could probably be the doormat of a doormat, that’s how doormaty I am! I agreed to every single statement…
Now, how do I make a change…?

Do the following statements pertain to you? Answer true or false.

• I lie about my feelings if the truth might upset someone.
• I want people to sense it when I’ve hit my limit, without my having to say anything.
• I go blank when asked what I want, like, or think.
• My “to do” list includes things I don’t have to do, and things I don’t want to do.
• I eat, cry, smoke, or drink when I’m angry.
• I sometimes feel quite drained; I explode at my loved ones and then feel terrible about it.
• I feel panicky about the thought of someone disliking or disapproving of me.
• I feel virtuous when I override my own needs or wishes to please others.
• I feel resentful while doing things for other people.
• I complain about other people’s needs and demands when they aren’t present.

If you answered true to one of these statements, you need to work on that particular action and reaction.

If you answered true to four or more of these statements, you are definitely a “doormat.” ‘

I am a very empathetic, caring, nice, supportive person. But I can also be a bit of a doormat. I have a hard time saying no, standing up for myself, not bending over backwards to do every little thing for other people.

It’s a combination of wanting to treat everyone as I want them to treat me and hating confrontation/conflict more than anything. It’s about wanting to help others and feeling needed that sometimes makes me unaware whether I am doing things because I really want to or because I want to please. It’s about being a good girl, wanting praise and thanks and smiles, wanting others to feel good more than to feel good myself.

But the older I get, the more I realise that the good girl/please others behaviour I learnt at school isn’t doing me any good. I am a woman, not a little girl, I need to be independent and I need to stop letting people take advantage (consciously or unconsciously) of the fact that I am nice and caring. I need to learn to find a balance between being nurturing and being used.