Yesterday, I got really annoyed with a friend of mine – or not with her per se, but with her status updates on facebook. I felt they were attention-seeking, complaining and above all “compliment fishing” – her wanting others to tell her she’s pretty,attractive etc.
But then I thought about why her voicing her insecurities for all to see really annoyed me so much. And of course, it’s hit a nerve because the need for public reassurance of attractiveness is a trait I’ve seen (and disliked) in myself. Basically, this has nothing to do with her, it’s all about me and my own insecurities, about me and my worries about what others think of me.
But it reminded me of something important – that while most of the time, others don’t really pay any attention to what you do, if they do, it’s probably nothing whatsoever to do with you anyway
I just realised…the main reason I worry about not having a job at the moment, and feel bad/stressed/upset/useless because of it, is because I worry what other people will think. That they will/do think I’m a failure, useless, not good enough. That I can’t get a job, despite my degree , and because of that, they will look down on me. I worry that when I come back home for Christmas, people will ask what I’ve been up to, and I won’t have much of an answer. It feels like I have to answer to them, measure up, show off success. And I can’t.
I care way too much what other people think of me…not the real strangers maybe, but friends and friends of friends, particulary the people my boyfriend know. I just want them to think he’s made a good choice (even though, of course, the only opinion that count on that matter are his).
I always worry that new people won’t think I’m attractive/pretty – which actually really doesn’t matter because I’m not out to find a guy..I’ve got a lovely one at home, thank you very much ;) – or fun, or interesting, or whatever. I worry that I’m not good enough for them. Even though I actually know that it doesn’t matter, because if I’m not good enough for them, they’re not good enough for me! And my fear is always based on nothing, because people always seems to think I’m lovely and pretty and all that. Though of course, I don’t really believe them.
What I really need is to stop caring so much about what I think of me…because my view is so tainted with ideas of perfectionism and perfect beauty that I will never win. With this mindset, I will always worry. And it really isn’t all about ME.
I find this difficult. Even though I know most random people in the street or friends’ friends I meet once does not really care about what I look like, how I dress and such, I still somehow believe that they do.
I find it very, very difficult to go outside completely without makeup (got quite a few blemishes) for example. I did it the other day (had to let my skin breathe) and spent the entire time thinking everyone who walked past me must be disgusted by my skin. It was very draining. I’m also not as friendly and smiling to people when I feel that ugly, because I don’t want them to look at me, so I tend to ignore them. I wish I could just feel ok about the way I look…and trust the fact (because it is a fact) that strangers really don’t care (and if they do, why does it matter? I’m never going to know…or see them again)
I am admitting here and now that I actually love my part-time job. I work in a supermarket for the holidays, have done so for many years. For some reason this is the kind of job you are just supposed to endure for the sake of getting some cash but actually hate. And I’ve always said that I think it’s ‘alright’, because that’s what people want to hear. But it’s not true at all! I really enjoy it and I will freely admit that from now on.
I see it as my personal mission to be the friendliest, most service-minded check-out girl anyone has ever met. I like to think I brighten stressed people’s day.
And in a way I find it pretty sad that I’m at the end of my bachelor degree, because that means I will have to get another ‘proper’ job soon. Yes I know, insane maybe, but true none the less. People can think and say whatever they want about it, I really couldn’t care less.
I have to stop worrying about what everyone else thinks of me…because most likely the don’t at all, or atleast not very often. The vast majority of the world actually don’t care what I wear, what my hair looks like, if I look bloated, if I say something stupid every now and then, if I don’t behave exactly as expected. Most likely, they won’t even notice. And if they do, that’s their problem.
In the end, it really isn’t all about me.