We’re growing apart, and I’ve realised that one of the reasons this upsets me (apart from the obvious) is that it makes me feel like a failure – for not being able to keep us together, not being able to keep him, not being good enough for him to stay. Of course, if I look at this objectively, these arguments are ridiculous and have nothing to do with anything that is going on. It’s not about me – it’s about us wanting different things and him moving away,
The fact that he’s not bothered about keeping us together, not bothered about keeping me and not bothered about staying has nothing to do with me being or not being good enough. He still wants to be with me, but not enough to stay where I am. And while that might be good enough for him, it isn’t for me. I need to be true to myself and admit to him, and me, that it’s just not enough.
This does not make me a failure at relationships, it makes me a success at understanding my needs and not allowing him to take me, and us, for granted any longer. It might be great 5% of the time, but it’s non-existant 95% of the time – and that just isn’t a relationship. No matter how great it’s been before, it isn’t now. And I need to stop living in the past and/or possible future and be true to myself and my needs.
Somehow I’ve always thought that the ‘real me’ is the little girl I used to be – the 5 year old me, or the 10 year old me – the one I were before selfdoubt, selfhatred, worries, perfectionism, the teen years hit me. And while that is true to an extent (what I did and said and looked like as a teen was never me; it was what I thought a girl was supposed to be like, what I thought would make me attractive, what I thought I should be) I am so much more than that. I am the extent of all my experiences, all my years, and trying to completely write off almost 10 years of my life, of me, as fake doesn’t change things. I still lived those years, I was still there and spending such a long time behind a mask; projecting a fake me, still affected the real me.
To be honest…Yes, I want to be the confident, active, talkative little five year old I once were; the one who bossed the boys around and didn’t care if they thought she was pretty, the one who were always herself, never trying to fit in, and sometimes these days, I am her. But at the same time, I am still the insecure, worried, attention seeking 15 year old I were for so many years; the one who feels terrible without make up, who wants every boy in the world to fancy her, who feels like she needs to be perfect and please everyone. I don’t want to be her. I don’t like her. But to an extent, I still am and probably always will be. And I need to acknowledge that.
And in reality, I’m a 25 year old woman, I can’t expect to have the innocence of the 5 year old me (nor do I want to) or completely erase the teen me. I am who I am, and that’s that.
Found a very inspiring blog entry on enthusiasm and allowing yourself to enjoy the things you love(http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/2008/08/happiness-proje.html).
This really spoke to me. When talking to others, I have a tendency to lean towards negativity and irony rather than enthusiasm and happiness. I’m much more likely to talk about things that annoy me, things which has gone wrong, things I don’t like than the things I love and the things that make me happy. It’s the easy way out. I’m scared of not being liked. It’s easy to get people to agree with you on bad weather/annoying people/sexism, then it is to speak passionately about something you love but other people might find dull, silly or uncool. Enthusiasm isn’t cool. Especially since the things I am passionate about aren’t necessarily things the average 25 year old cares for.
But honestly…do I really need to be cool? Or to pretend that I am? (because, really, try as I might, cool isn’t me…at least not the general definition of cool as trendy, materialistic, egoistic, ‘hot’ and unable to use one’s own mind – same as everyone else if you like). I am already true to myself in many respects, now I just need to be able to stand for what I like (ie. things like embroidery and dancing to silly 90s pop). If it makes me happy, there’s no reason to be embarrassed, right?
I think too much. Mainly negative thoughts. And I try pretend I don’t, because it doesn’t tie into my idea of how I want to be – I want to be that happy, smiley, cool chick…or atleast make people think I am. But in reality, I am worried, pessimistic and over-thinking. I am dependant and I spend a lot of time talking down to myself. And I blame my teachers at school for ‘ruining me’ so many years ago. It’s stupid, it’s not productive and it makes me even more negative.
But I believe that I won’t be able to change until I accept myself as I am. Yes, I am scared of conflict, I take things way to personally, I am obsessed with what I look like and I’m terrified of making my own decisions. There, I said it. But I am also intelligent, talanted, loving, caring, pretty, friendly and full of knowledge. I need to accept both the good and bad in me to truly be true to myself.
I just read this wonderful blog entry (http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/2007/07/the-happiness-o.html) and it was just like it was written to me, about me, for me. Service Heart...that’s just it, that’s so me. I’ve always loved to give, to help, provide things for others, surprise them, make them happy…I am at my happiest when I am able to make others happy. And ‘Service Heart’, that’s so perfect. That soo describes it.
Unfortunately, this is also why finding a suitable career is so hard…how do I combine my insatiable need for more knowledge, more education, wanting a Masters and maybe a PhD, with my Service Heart, my need to serve others, directly, simply, unqualifiedly? I’d probably be at my happiest if I got a Phd and still worked in a supermarket…thought that would put me way to deep in debt. It wouldn’t make any sense careerwise or economically.
I am trying to find a job, my first ‘real’ one, that will lead to something I want to do, that will start my career. I hate it. I hate feeling useless and unwanted, I hate not having something meaningful to do. I hate getting rejected and not knowing why. I hate that no one seems to want to employ me. I want a job now!
But despite this frustration, I am not desperate. I refuse to apply for some job I don’t want, to sign up to spend all day everyday doing something that means nothing to me. I want a job where I can make a difference, connect with people, help out.
I don’t want to spend my days in an office, staring at a screen.
I might not know exactly what job I want, but I know what type of job I don’t want. And I will keep looking until I find one that rings true with me. I will be true to myself. I will not settle.
Last night, I had a bit of an epiphany. I read an article about emotional manipulaion (http://ezinearticles.com/?Dont-Defeat-Yourself-With-Emotional-Manipulation&id=857037) and it hit me. It described me down to a T! And I realised that my life, my feelings, my emotions…they are truly all about me. I’ve always thought ‘they upset me’, ‘she’s annoying’, ‘he’s boring me’...when really, I’ve just choosen to be upset, annoyed or bored. I could have changed my attitude, or changed the situation, but I didn’t.
So in the end:
1. If I get annoyed/upset with people and don’t tell them, their behaviour will never change and I will keep feeling the same thing which eventually will become a huge problem.
2. Even if I do tell them, there is a very little chance they’ll truly see my point and change and I will keep feeling the same thing.
So it is actually all about me. I can accept my part in it, change my behaviour, stop feeling like a victim/martyr or I can leave. And seeing as I have no relationship/friendship that I want to leave, I have to focus on myself. Do what I want to do, be what I want to be, not live for other people, not do things for other people with a certain outcome in mind. Always do things because I want to, because I want to treat someone, not because I need to/should/want something from them. No one has made me feel like a martyr but myself.
You probably think these things are obvious and so do I. I knew it before of course, but only in my brain, not in my heart. I knew it, but didn’t truly get it. Now I do.
“Up to a point, a man’s life is shaped by his environment, heredity, and movements and changes in the world about him; then there comes a time when it lies within his grasp to shape the clay of his life into the sort of thing he wishes to be . . . everyone has it within his power to say, this I am today – that I shall be tomorrow.”
Valentine’s day is all about the people we love. Spending time with them, showing them how much we care, treating them, doing nice things for them. So go ahead, focus on your boyfriend/girlfriend, fiancee, husband/wife, children, parents, anyone else you love.
But whether you have a partner or not, remember to spend at least part of tomorrow showing some love for yourself. Spend time with yourself, show yourself how much you care, treat yourself, do something nice for yourself. You deserve it.
I’m going to exercise, relax, make myself pretty (for me! – but for him too of course), treat myself to a magazine I like and try my very best to live in the moment, enjoy it. And spend a load of time with the boyfriend of course.
Happy Valentine’s day everyone :)
I have just finished university, so I’m looking for a job now. People around me and my logical brain (and that small annoying materialistic side of me) say I should go get a good, interesting job whereever I can find one, focusing on myself and my career at this time in life. The true me, my heart and soul and that part of me which knows what makes me happy, says I should be whereever my boyfriend is and put finding the best job second. I’m not very interested in a great career anyway, never have been. Love means so much more to me. It will be real struggle to stand up for that opinion though; most people seem not to understand it. They say I should think long-term. But how could I sacrifice happiness today for some kind of long-term plan that might not even make me happy in the end? Whatever I do, I don’t know what the future will bring, I only know what will make me happy right here, right now.