take control of my life

Money isn’t everything, and not that important to me anyway, I’m not a big spender even when I’ve got it – but at the moment, when rent and bills are paid there really isn’t much let. And I want to be able to do more, see more people, travel more – basically just enjoy life more.

I’m looking around for a cheaper (smaller) flat to rent from next month when my contract ends. I hate moving, I hate all the little things that comes with moving (all the phone calls you have to do to change address erc) but it will be worth it. It will give me the chance to be more living and less just existing.

If he makes decisions like a single guy, he doesn’t really care about you and your relationship. You don’t want this to be true but it is.
Get this into your heart as well as your head and do what needs to be done. No matter how much it breaks your heart.

I feel like I am in some sort of cocoon; I’m trapped in my own little world of worry, guilt and uselessness. I am an unemployed graduate, I should have a job by now and I hate that I don’t. Hate feeling that I am a failure, Hate feeling that others are disappointed in me (though of course, that might just be in my head). I want to do something useful, make a difference, help out in this world…do my bit! But I have no job and no money.

My previous successes count for nothing! And then there’s the even heavier guilt that such stupid problems as ‘I don’t know what to do with my life’, ‘I feel useless’, ‘I am a failure’ can make me feel so bad. What about all the people with real problems? They’d laugh at my self-pity!
Sometimes I just want to shout to myself: ‘Just go get the first unqualified, badly paid job you can find and get on with it you stupid selfish idiot!’ Not like that kind of ‘self-pep-talk’ would make me feel any better…

Being unemployed really, really doesn’t suit me.

Somehow I seem to have become a housewifey-cleaning-clearing-washing-cooking-sorting-things-out person (despite being non-married and childless). I am unemployed (though actively job seeking) and spending most of my time when not applying for jobs doing house work. I hate it, How on earth did this happen?
I am a highly intelligent young woman (maybe not confident in all areas of my life, but I know I’ve got brains…and I have educational results that proves it). I am a top graduate with a strong wish to make the world and myself better. I am even pretty (so people say). I should have the world by my feet but instead I’m on my knees scrubbing…how did this happen and how can I stop it?
I need a job so much. And a place of my own. Right now.

Last night, I had a bit of an epiphany. I read an article about emotional manipulaion (http://ezinearticles.com/?Dont-Defeat-Yourself-With-Emotional-Manipulation&id=857037) and it hit me. It described me down to a T! And I realised that my life, my feelings, my emotions…they are truly all about me. I’ve always thought ‘they upset me’, ‘she’s annoying’, ‘he’s boring me’...when really, I’ve just choosen to be upset, annoyed or bored. I could have changed my attitude, or changed the situation, but I didn’t.

So in the end:
1. If I get annoyed/upset with people and don’t tell them, their behaviour will never change and I will keep feeling the same thing which eventually will become a huge problem.
2. Even if I do tell them, there is a very little chance they’ll truly see my point and change and I will keep feeling the same thing.

So it is actually all about me. I can accept my part in it, change my behaviour, stop feeling like a victim/martyr or I can leave. And seeing as I have no relationship/friendship that I want to leave, I have to focus on myself. Do what I want to do, be what I want to be, not live for other people, not do things for other people with a certain outcome in mind. Always do things because I want to, because I want to treat someone, not because I need to/should/want something from them.

You probably think these things are obvious and so do I. I knew it before of course, but only in my brain, not in my heart. I knew it, but didn’t truly get it. Now I do.

I have decided that to take control of my life I need more than just goals, I need a plan. So I have started with trying to state what needs doing for everyone of my goals here on 43things (only done a few so far) and tonight before bed I will write down what I want to accomplish over next week in the areas of:

• Love and Romance
• Home
• Creativity
• Health and Fitness
• Rest and Relaxation
• Friends and Social Life
• Career
• Family
• Money
• Spirituality

Things are finally looking better! I’m volunteering, I am registered at a temping agency, I have a real serious interview for a real serious position in a few days (scary!!), I have things to do most days and my graduation is coming up. I must admit I’m quite excited.

I’ve got some volunteer work! It’s soo great to get to do something, anything, out of the house again. It might not pay, it might not be more than a day or two a week but I don’t care…I get to speak to new people, help out a bit, learn new things, get to know the town I’m in a bit better. I’m so happy. Being jobless/helpless doesn’t suit me one bit. This is great.

I cleaned the room, sorted out My Documents and my bookmarks. It not a huge step, but it should make my life and planning more managable.

I feel a bit lost, but I am trying to sort my life out.
I haven’t got a job at the moment and it’s making me feel confused and a bit, well, useless. I haven’t got mych to do in the days, and even when I do, it makes me feel a bit self-indulgent, to spend all my time doing whatever I want. I don’t like it.
But I’m applying, both for jobs and work experience or volunteer work, anything really, hopefully I’ll get something soon. Preferably a job, don’t really want to waste all my savings on just living. But anything that makes for a good reference would be great. At least then my time and/or money wouldn’t really feel wasted. Need to start up my exercise routine again too (got so much time on my hands, just need the motivation) and use my time doing something more useful and creative. Better get started.