create a portfolio

If there is anything I have been steadily working on, its this.
I want to have 14-15 pieces by December 1 to submit with my art school applications.
I want to finish my painting, as well as one more bone drawing, one more human figure drawing, and one bicycle drawing. If I am able to get something done over at my grandmother’s, that would be fabulous. But right now, it’s coming to the end of the wire.

And got mad props for 6/10 of my drawings! I mean, really mad props! And not that the other ones were dissed, but the guy was like “You can do better.”

A big ego booster. Now I just have to, err, do 6 more drawings/paintings from now until December 1.

I haven’t drawn absolutely anything. As in, nothing. And I am starting to think that perhaps I do not really want to pursue an art MFA after all. I want formal training in art, to be sure, and I would like to explore other mediums aside from the written word. But I am concentrating my efforts in writing.

I do think I have a portfolio, whereas before I did not even recognize that about myself. I have 14 drawings I like, and I just need to organize and present them in an interesting way. It would also help to have a couple more paintings. Regardless, I want to have it ready for whenever I do decide to apply to a school. And besides, it is my creation thus far.

I think I am going to look into that PAFA portfolio preparation course in July. I just want an honest assessment from what I need to do. I should also check out those Arts League Courses to see what’s up.

Went to class today…but, more excited than anything else was the fact that I took pictures of my drawings—and I came out with 12-14 I really, really liked to start presenting it as my portfolio! I had actually forgotten about some of these pieces, and I am quite proud of several. A lesson in not feeling I haven’t done much, because, even though it has been rather sporadic, I have.

And just relaxed about it, telling myself I don’t have to die trying to produce a portfolio by the end of the year. It will come when it will come. I do realize I have a lot of pictures though. I can make a working version of a portfolio for myself right now.

Because I am not doing this. Because I cannot garner the motivation to do it. And I am not sure why.

Do I really want this?

I am not sure, but I found some very cool drawings I did some time back…and it just made me see that I did have talent and passion for it. Maybe not for a career—perhaps I need to start being true to myself in this regard. But I am afraid that “being true” means denying a dream due to other crap.

I loved drawing when I was younger, and I did it all the time. Began taking art classes, on and off, with talent shining through and positive critiques all around from teachers. And now that I have the time…well…I don’t do it.

What is wrong?

The lull in my creativity is intensely linked with not having let myself explore—feeling I can explore without the expectation to have to great some magnificent work of art.

When I was younger, up until roughly my teenage years, I would create, endlessly, because I did not worry about the end result. I did not identify myself with whatever it was iI was creating. I was free, not weighing myself down with the belief I had to do something great. Or to be great, for that matter.

So—it is for this reason that 2009 will be the year of exploration. My exploration: of putting myself back in the position of creating without expecting, in order to just explore. Put myself in the position of being able to explore, as freely as possible.

Had a great session today with my therapist, which basically boiled down to the fact that I do not draw or write because there is an element that does not make it fun—the feeling that I “have to” do certain things (checking out certain artists, studying certain styles, etc) before actually getting on with drawing.

This was a major realization for me, and explains why it is so hard for me to feel enthused about creating art. The high expectation of the result as “fine art” weighs down on my actual impulse to create.

Major realization indeed.

And I am so grateful for my aging, salsa-dancing, soap opera-watching art teacher. She is an amazing painter, yet the first few classes, she was a bit loopy. But today, she was so ready and prepared for me—she motivated me so much on a day I was not feeling motivated. And made me really realize how much I want to do this, for myself. Not for the art school I want to go, the portfolio I want to make…but for myself.

Haven’t done this at all this week. But I will do it. Gosh darn it, I will. Here’s two gesture drawings and one slow picture tommorrow.