let go

I don’t know exactly of what, though. It doesn’t make much sense, but in all honesty, at this point I don’t know what makes me feel so heavy. What is that I have to give up to stop feeling this way? I feel I am dragging this dead weight, yet what it is, I have no idea. I believe I have done much karmic cleansing. What is it that is dragging me down?

And I am stuck. I feel I am at a crux of sorts, where I do not only have to let go of a job, of connections, of a professional engagement, but more importantly, of a whole life mindset. Despite being in a non-profit, I was careerist, security-oriented, and comfortably falling into the bureaucratization of social change initiatives—all this without much self-criticism. I think this hiatus is meant to force me out of this way of thinking, and be more consistent with what I think and what I do.

It’s not a holier-than-thou attitude towards others in the field, but all a struggle within myself, for self-coherency and gain humility that I cannot have full control of my livelihood or my fate, no matter how much I may try to.

I sometimes panic and think I should try to save my connections and apply to other similar jobs. I hope to be able to stay away and be at peace, just open to whatever comes. Trust the universe is another one of my goals, after all.

People still want me to stay in the project. And I thought it was a goner, so upset people hadn’t answered or anything. I guess this is still alive, for when I want to go back to it. This makes me happy, actually. Quite happy.

Meaning, I did the thing I had to do. But I still feel attached, particularly because I haven’t gotten any sort of response, which makes me sad. But I need to let go of this, regardless of what I believe people think of me.

And that is the need for recognition. To see recognition as a safety net, a marker on the road of progression, a post that lets me know I am going on the right track. The only yardstick should be myself, and not what others think of me. This really is the challenge—to not feel I need others to tell me I am good and worthwhile at what I do. Fame and recognition do not equal accomplishment. And that has been the professional paradigm I have subscribed to since I began working, or doing anything for that matter, really.

I think that I have to let go of a project that I have fetishized for the last couple of years. This is the final strand linking me to my previous job—which is, ultimately, what materializes my previous unconstructive frame of mind with regards to life, occupation, security. This is what I need to let go of (my mother falls under the “forgive my mother” goal). I will write an e-mail announcing my decision by not attending a specific phone meeting next week. I am prepping myself for this, which is challenging for me to do, given all I have invested in this. But it will also empty my cup and free me to start something new.

I went to my old office, faced my old colleagues, including one with whom I fought very much. I was there, looking at the organization I founded, and where I worked for five years. And although there was pain and sadness and anger mixed together, I feel that I just let go a major emotional weight with this visit, which I had been anticipating for months now. It’s over. This part of me has gone.

I think this goal is almost over. Now its mostly about letting go of my mom.

Layer by layer, cleansing. I really feel it. And happy about it.

Maybe not completely, but I am feeling the grip of some of obsessions loosen…such as the compulsion to think I have to control everything, go according to a specific timeline…little advances.

So hard—it has been a really hard week actually, with my mom. But I have to say, The Presence Process and A Course in Miracles have been a big help.

One fight the first weekend of January—very strong one, almost getting physical. A week of tension and no speaking continued, followed by a smaller fight this weekend, where I just lost it. Alone in my house, I cried (one of those howling sorta cries, you know? The kind you only dare to do by yourself). And just went out on the town, and got it together.

The reflections fueled by both of the aforementioned books throughout these last few days have really helped me see how aggressive attacks, although seemingly external, are internal, in that, in order to get emotionally hooked to them, there is a part of you that has to believe them. If you don’t believe them, they do not hurt you…and likewise, you can only hurt someone if you’ve hurt yourself before on the inside.

This has been a major reflection that has helped me. I have been working on issues with my mother for the last two years, consciously, so this has been a long process, but I do feel one layer of my emotional onion skin has left.

Hard to explain it all, but if you have the weight of the past on you, I seriously recommend these two books, plus Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now.