Trust the universe

It’s funny how things are slowly coming together, and I still doubt myself. Because it is because there is nothing concrete—there are school prospects, housing prospects, even a job prospect. I can almost see a “package” of elements coming together for me to actually stay here.

And yet I wonder if this is the right thing to do. A part of me thinks staying here and following this set-up (which, again, is a prospect and not concrete) would be great, yet another part of me wants to break with everything and explore. It almost feels like as if I should break out from my comfort zone and go somewhere entirely different—like as if it my calling to pack up and go.

But why then are things coming together like they are, even in theory?

I do feel sometimes that I am in the universe’s ashtray or forgotten drawer though. What is that I need to do now? Let go? I don’t know what to let go of, as I wrote here.

Trying to stop controlling. I have been hyper-planning, brooding, hyper-organizing, and trying to just control everything. I try to declare that I am now on empty, but I still persist in hanging on. I am trying now, really trying, even if only through made manifest outside of myself through this medium, that I am willing to accept a change of plans, a new direction, a different course than what I have attempted to build on through resistance of these things. I guess I just have to live every day without expecting that homing signal, living each day without knowing where I am going. It’s not freedom if you expect someone, even a greater force, to tell you the plan. But I am going to live my life on empty to see what shuffles up from all this.