I had to recently confront someone about my the way their actions had impacted me. I was sad and felt rejected. It brought up deep emotions in me about friendship and the efforts I have always felt I had to give in order to “get” and “keep” friends. It reminded me of the pressure I feel when it comes to making friends. I always feel like I have to present myself to people in a way that they will see the positive in me. It sucks. I am a people-pleaser.
The conversation went ok. I was able to be truthful and say what I wanted to say. I also felt like I heard what the other person had to say. In the end, even though I felt like I was losing a friend I realize this isn’t someone I really want to have as a friend.
This whole situation has made me realize that it is hard for me to stand up for myself and confront the truth. But, I cannot be fearful of being truthful with others. It is ok for me to have needs. If those need are not being met, then it is me to has the choice to change my expectations or stay miserable.
I have been very open emotionally lately. With that is a level of vulnerability that I usually hide and protect. It feels so good to open up and let things out. I guess having the emotional honesty is one benefit of working through all this shit about my sister. It has brought me to my own “rock-bottom”.
For now I need to remember this feeling. I want to visualize myself letting words and feelings pass through me as if they are free and flowing. I can feel them or acknowledge them, but do not need to be attached to them. I need not to think about things so much. Stop over analyzing!
Moving on from this. At 35 years old I have learned an important lesson about friendship.
