face my fears

My son is in gymnastics. On a lark, I asked if they had a class for adults. They do. Thursday nights.

It just so happens that I am free Thursday nights. I am 38 and on the cusp of facing down my fear of doing a flip. . . But I am scared. Tomorrow I will take another step in facing this fear and sign up for the class.

My wife thinks I am going to seriously hurt myself. Pishaw, to that, I plan to have only minor injuries. I’ll show her.

I was at the gym yesterday. As in a gymnastics place, with trampolines and mats and foam pits. I have researched how to do a flip and all I needed to do was to start practicing. Too scared. Fear won.

Instead of having the talk with my wife I keep giving little digs and having petty arguments. Fear is winning.

Death, not facing it. Too scared. Fear is winning.

Being alone, pretty much feel that way most days. People and family around but . . . not feeling connected, my fault. Confused and afraid to open up.

Had a couple of invitations for friendship building activities . . . made excuses.

My to do list and some of 43T goals sit there mocking me.

Found a new fear, casinos. I like to gamble but the idea of doing it at a casino frightens me for some reason.

Yet my days and weeks eat me up. Adversity is everywhere. . . it seems, maybe it is in the mirror where the adversity really lies?

Deep sigh . . . I am truly tired of living in the future.

Things that I am afraid of:

1 Death
2 Doing a flip
3 Losing my family
4 Getting some things done (following through on some decisions)
5 Having ‘the talk’ with my wife
6 Being alone
7 And to be brutally honest, making friends.

After 3 years of pondering, and I have pondered, a list of seven emerges. In my early twenties I did this and conquered many fears. I even got payed to overcome many of them. I may add more fears to this list if I can think of some more or come across them as I read entries in this goal.

Bottom line this goal is moving up the charts and will be pursued with vigour.

I was telling Jackson (my 4 year old today), in the deep end of the pool, “Feel the fear and do it anyway” and “The path to success is paved with conquered fears.”

I preach this all the time and used to make defeating fear a major part of my life. But somewhere in the last 5 years or so I slipped into a comfort zone, a fairly large comfort zone, but a comfort zone none the less.

So this is an old goal resurected, I need to start with a list of what I fear. I know at the top of the list is “Death.” I’ve yet to figure out how to face that and learn from it. Any ideas? Because I really fear that. Speaking in public . . . no problem but death really really scares me.

There are some other fears, I’m sure. I’ll come back to this after a few sleeps.