Learn to say yes

YES has the power to heal.

I just wrote an entry under another goal about buying this book this week as a treat for myself. In this goal, I want to say why.

Among the last lines of the book are “yes I said yes I will.” :)

Reason enough to make the attempt once again…

”`Yes’ is a choice that invites life to move. It invites possibilities.”
—MedicineMan

When it’s time for an idea to take hold in our culture, you can tell. The initial concept crops up here and there, independently, emerging across cultures and borders among widely disparate populations. Websites pop up dedicated to the topic. Books are written; books make the bestseller lists. The authors go on network and cable talk shows to share the new concept with the American mainstream. An idea is born. A cultural phenomenon can soon follow.

As those who grew up in the ``Just Say No’’ culture of the ‘80’s will attest, ``no’’ gained a lot of popularity in those years. Originally a bit of anti-drug sloganeering, ``no’’ was backed by a conservative administration in Washington which was busy establishing and reinforcing a new status quo in cultural thought. That new norm was based in conservative thinking (not an oxymoron), which basically seeks to conserve what is traditional, usually at the expense of the new and innovative. Given the on-going Cold War tensions and slumping economy of that era, ``No’’ was an idea whose time had come. It looked like a good vehicle for preserving status quo because it appeared to empower the individual to slow down the rate of change in their lives. When everything in the world seemed particularly dangerous or chaotic, ``no’’ exerted a seductive pull. It seemed to promise us both security and safety.

Of course, it did (and does) neither. As Maria Dahvana Headley will attest.

Ms. Headley also grew up in the ‘80’s, and according to her book The Year of Yes, she had learned the lessons of the ``Just Say No’’ culture all too well. She spent most of the ‘90’s turning down dates with men who didn’t fit into her narrow ideas about attractiveness (``intellectual, literary types’’ who were usually more in tune with their own neuroses than anything else). Finally fed up with repeating the same self-defeating cycles in her love life, she resolved to say ``Yes’’ to anyone who asked her out. Anyone (provided they weren’t drunk, obviously violent or drugged out). This experiment in ``yes’’ led her to date a wide variety (150!) of persons, including a soon-to-be-divorced playwright 25 years older than she. ``Too much baggage,’’ she thought to herself. ``I could never be in love with someone like that.’‘

They were married in 2003. Her funny, insightful memoir of that year was published earlier this year, and has already appeared in the American media, who apparently are still suckers for happy endings.

It’s not difficult to imagine the fears she must have faced down during that year. Every request for a date was something new; they encompassed everything from a homeless man who thought he was Jimi Hendrix to a millionaire who still lived with his mother. Yet she said ``Yes’’ to one hundred and fifty new and different experiences, throwing safety, security and caution to the wind in a search for real love. Maria Davhana Headley could be the poster-girl for ``Yes,’’ one of those who can model for us how to put aside our fears and embrace life in pursuit of our dreams.

It’s a bit late to claim that the 2000’s will be the ``Yes’’ decade. We’re already six years into it and mired in yet another conservative national administration. But perhaps with people like Maria Dahvana Headley to model just how successful and liberating this kind of thing can be, we’ll roll into 2010 on a tsunami of ``YES!’’ and, as a culture, come to remember just how sweet life’s embrace can be.

You meet the most amazing people…

11. Yes opens me up. No closes me down.

1. It’s fun!

2. Because ``Just Say No’’ is so 80’s…

3. You know you want to!

4. Life’s too short not to experience every good thing (and maybe some of the bad ones…)

5. Life’s too long to be bored through it.

6. New friends and opportunities abound!

7. Saying Yes is sexier.

8. Yes is liberating, No is confining.

9. Cooler clothes,faster cars, better haircuts.

10. Think of the stories you’ll be able to tell your grandkids someday.

(from www.Reasons2SayYes.com)

I said Yes to a man I’d never really considered as a potential sexual partner before—and I am SOOOO glad I did! He turned out to be an amazingly adept lover, energy fluent, witty conversationalist, highly intelligent, magical…

My reasons for saying No, before this, were so fear-based. Blech! I’m all about finding reasons to say yes now!

In a culture full of reasons to say ``no,’’ it takes a lot of courage to find ways to say ``yes.’‘

We’re taught to say ``no’’ from a very young age, after all. For most of us, our first word was ``no’’, and it quickly became our favorite word. As toddlers and teenagers, we used ``no’’ to differentiate ourselves from our parents, peers, and surroundings. It’s how we began to control what was happening around us, or at least, how we tried to control that. It helped us over those early developmental hurdles, and gave us our earliest sense of our personal boundaries—and that’s a lot of significance bound up in such a tiny word!

The problem isn’t that ``no’’ in and of itself is somehow bad; indeed, giving yourself permission to say ``no’’ as an adult can keep you out of an awful lot of trouble.

The problem is that ``No’’ begins to take on a life of its own. Too often, that life is yours.

Life is change, and ``no’’ becomes a way of slowing down that change, or trying to stop it altogether. It is a shield we use to protect ourselves from having to experience anything new or different. Rather than riding the wave of change into a life full of exhilarating possibilities, we use ``no’’ as a tether to keep us safely confined to the kiddie pool.

Using ``no’’ to protect ourselves from change is like a kitten poking its head under covers, assuming it’s completely hidden. Change is going to happen, whether you say ``no’’ to it or not. And, just like that kitten, assuming that ``no’’ protects you from change is one sure way to have it pounce on you and bite your tail.

Let’s be honest here: We usually say ``no’’ out of fear, and some fears are entirely reasonable. I’t’s sensible to say ``no’’ to jumping off a bridge or ``no’’ to cake if you are diabetic. These ``no’s’’ aren’t the ones that keep us from living lives of incredible satisfaction and happiness. It’s those silly, neurotic fears like fearing rejection,
or of looking stupid, or being wrong. It’s the fear of commitment, the fear of speaking out, and the fear of facing our truest, deepest desires. The list is nauseatingly long, and we’ve all bought into some of these at least once. These fears have shaped our lives, often to our detriment and sometimes to the detriment of those around us.

So the next time you’re faced with something new and exciting and all those little neurotic fears start rioting inside you, what does it take to fight down a ``no’’ and say ``yes’’ instead?

In a word: Courage.

Like the Cowardly Lion (an archetype for the fear-ridden) we need to find our courage. Unlike him, we know that we have to face our fears, and find our courage within. Inside each of us beats a brave, fiercely courageous heart, willing to take on a challenge if it means that life afterward will be more authentic, happier, and freer. What better challenges to tackle than the fears that keep us chained to our tiny, boring, closeted little lives?

Do yourself a favor: Right now, identify and tackle at least one of those inner fears. Find a reason to say “yes” today, and every day. You’ve only your inner coward to lose!