smile more

I’m trying this new thing that when I walk i keep my head up. i normally keep it down and watch the path i’m on, its a habit i got because i tripped alot as a kid. And well its damn hard to break. So i’m trying. Well I’ve been doing that for about 2 weeks now. And I’ll notice my head is down and i’ll lift it up and look at the world, and it makes me a little happier.

So a small little smile will be on my face. And i’m hoping it will make me look more open to the world and the people I walk past.

Today I was asked by a co worker what was wrong. And thinking to myself i really couldn’t think of anything that was drasticly different. SO I asked why. “Well you’ve just seemed to be depressed lately.”

Holy Fuck. I truely believe I have a depression problem and have come to terms that i’ll probably never be on meds for it and that i need to make a change inside, find something that works and makes me happy, perhaps not all the time but survivable.

But I can’t believe someone at work noticed. But the weird thing driving to work I was happy. I had a fun day with my sister. BUt it seems like the moment I step into work i become a cranky hag.

I know I’m burnt out from work. Working too many hours, working in retail, being a manager and people scream at me or people not showing up for work. I like most of the people I work with, and i don’t really want to leave. I need to change my job title so i’m not a manager anymore, or atleast not as much. Thats a new goal of mine.

It seems like the only time I smile is when I’m with my sister or i’m hiding in the manager’s office at work talking to my friends there.

So recap: To smile more, I’m changing my job title, hanging out with my sister more. And maybe make new friends. Change myself from the inside. Oh and stop smoking pot to make me ‘happy’ or calming me down from stress. And on that note…