figure out what I want out of a relationship

...first off, let me apologize for being more than absent last week. It was an insane and hectic week.

Second off, I guess the 43world should know that the person that was right in front of me all the time, supporting me, and making her world revolve around me short of a minor mistake (that the more I hear about the more I understand) is really what’s best for me.

Third, I am now living with her.

Granted, this is a rash and sudden step, but a necessary one, as I inexplicably found myself homeless on Friday. Quite frankly, I’m glad the scenario played out the way it did, or else I would have continued to piddle around in my girl situation and missed a possibly good thing. Hell, the way I procrastinate with everything, had the situation not come around, who knows what I may have lost.

She is great with Lilly, which is huge for me. She is great to me. She puts up with my complaining, she adjusts for my pretentious needs, she doesn’t flame my ostentatious and annoying friends… for now things are as good as can be expected.

I know there are a lot of unanswered questions here, and I’m sure I’ll answer them when asked or in time, but I just wanted to share… and explain my absence.

...you know, it’s weird that I posted an entry about how being single sucks… just yesterday.

Last night, a girl I was kinda digging on, let me know that inbetween romps with me, she was blowing some dude.

Some random dude that “didn’t mean anything.”

Karma does kick you in the nuts every once in a while, and I guess it was my turn at the front of the line.

Now I’m left to decide if I want to continue to entertain her mopes and cries and begs for me to not shun her. “All I want is you… he was inconsequential. I wanted to build something with you.”

I always was a believer in the double standard, and still will be, even after this, but it sucks big time on the other end. The difference is, when I had a troupe of nothings following me around, I was open and honest about their standing. That doesn’t make it right, but it makes it OK.

...likely more to come…

...and is refreshing, sometimes. Generally it sucks.

There is nothing profound here, no story, no joke, just a statement.

Strange for me. I usually can ramble on about something or other and at least loosely tie it to a goal or comment or something.

^{I don’t think I have it in me today. Besides, I have to go play peacemaker on a Facebook War that erupted between two of my friends. Thing is, both of them love a good cerebral catfight and neither loses often, if ever. (((sigh)))}

...and to someone, that although may not be “someone special” as of yet, is someone, and is special on some level.

Some things I need to do to begin to even think of calling this done (which I can’t anticipate happening for a while)...

1. No more compromises. I married as a compromise, and yes, I know, I have to get to work on the divorce chronicle. I’ve had my share of settling before on relationships and just biding my time until the next thing came along… I don’t want to do this anymore. It’s not fair to either myself or the gal that is dumb enough to date me. I may be an egotistical, unreasonable, stubborn, and selfish individual with this one, but at least I am being honest and upfront about it.

2. No more total chivalry. I’m broke as a joke. I need to be able to let someone that wants to buy a dinner here and there do it. Debt is not the answer to loneliness. This one is going to be hard. I feel that it is my duty to provide something for the lady I will be banging spending time with. Maybe I just need to investigate free, yet fun and rewarding activities to do. Fuck, dinner and a movie is a Benjamin anymore.

3. Maintain high standards. I went through this initial stage where it didn’t matter who I was spending time with so long as I was not by myself. I’m actually enjoying some of my alone time now, and think that I can eliminate some of the people that just don’t fit the bill; be it looks, smarts, humor, chemistry, whatever.

I’m sure I’ll have more thoughts later. Perhaps these are just baby steps, but they are steps nonetheless.

The weekend, that I’ve been working for is almost upon us.

I just realized that I have no date, no plans, no nothing lined up.

Anyone got a single, cute sister that lives in or close to this miserable city of mine?

“i don’t enjoy that you have to feed your ego and self-worth by having multiple girls hang on you or want you”

I’m not sure this is the case… but I’ve heard things akin to that from more than one person lately.

I do feed my ego, but not through the folks I date. I have terrible feelings of self-worth, so that doesn’t make sense to me. The whole thing cut very deeply, but I don’t know why or where.

I may be blind or insane… or both.

^{I’m hoping that it is neither.}

...casually mentioned that her sister and I would be a good match.

Her sister is drop dead gorgeous. I’m well… we know what I am.

Now this coworker is putting the wheels in motion and I’m petrified and excited. Thing is, as terrible as this sounds… I guess I have a hang up on looks. Not a huge one, mind you, but I have standards.

So there… the first thing I guess I need in a relationship (not the bullshit nothings that I have now, but a REAL relationship again) is they must appear beautiful to me.

I’m not asking for a model, and god knows I have different tastes then everyone else, but I no longer should be ashamed of wanting to be physically attracted to a potential partner.

If they are amazingly stunning to me, that has to be considered.

Maybe I’m shallow. Maybe I’m honest.

I know, I’m a hideous person… that is not new information. Yes, it’s a game. No, I don’t want her… in the least way.

Part of a chat is below. Nothing was changed except names, everything is a direct quote.

I’m curious if this is worth hanging in for the entertainment value, or if, as my BFF suggests, I need to get the fuck out of Dodge.

^{Manatee: Just wanted to touch base. Say hello. Needed to see how I could handle it.}

me: handle it? like im some volatile chemical?

Manatee: No

me: haha

Manatee: I am the potential volatile chemical. Where you are concerned I am not rational or stable

me: rephrase that please it didnt make sense

Manatee: When it comes to you, I am not rational or stable.

me: how do you figure?

Manatee: I should never have pursued you romantically for as long as I did…there was and still is a piece of me that didn’t, couldn’t let go…and that is really not healthy. My body reacts to you physically, and mentally…in extremes…no middle ground

me: sounds to me like a little melodrama. i am spicy and you are too used to mild. lets not embellish so much

Manatee: Not embellishing. Just saying what I feel.

me: even so, i dont see the problem

Manatee: Not one person in my life accepts my willingness to talk to you.

me: you knew that a long time ago. they feel like they are “protecting” lil ol innocent naive unable-to-self-manage Manatee
i robbed them of that power by giving it back to YOU
and they hate because of it

SOME TIME AFK ELAPSES

me: so what were we talking about, i forget

Manatee: the fact that the people in my life hate you

me: yet i dont hate them. so where lies the problem?

Manatee: Ryan. I have tried countless times to explain to them that you don’t hate them, and that you are who you are…but they don’t trust you
You hurt me, and to them that makes you satan
and the whole erik thing

me: the erik thing… please. i cant control the fact that you are a weak doormat
i tried to help there

Manatee: They don’t agree with that assessment

me: course not, they are blinded by their emotions and hatred
i wouldnt expect them to at this point

me: i cant believe that you are not in the least bit amused

Manatee: It isn’t amusing for me ryan…

me: and that you could not see all that i have and on some level continue to do for you

Manatee: There are pieces of me that are forever changed. And I thank you for that.

me: but have they?
that is what i question

Manatee: Yes. There are some lines in the sand on things like privacy and personal space.

me: i may have just shuffled a mask into your repertoire, instead of changing the essence i changed the appearance

Manatee: When you love someone…or care about them…you have to love them for their essence.

me: not true
there are always concessions
and if you believe otherwise, then you are further injecting your lenses with rose tint

Manatee: Concessions are things like, I really don’t like that you leave the toothpaste cap off, or We can see the movie you want today, and next week we see the one I want

me: no, that is everyday life. those are considerations, not concessions.

me: and you have nothing further to say?

Manatee: No, Just typing some things
I needed to change to fit a mold. The things that I expected…the fidelity that I wanted, is something that is granted in a relationship.
But like you said…nothing ever happened between us

me: not that its a bad thing, mind you

Manatee: No it isn’t a bad thing. You are right. I am not strong enough for you.
There were not concessions that needed to be made…what was needed was for me to be completely a different person

me: hahaha

Manatee: And in the end I was lacking. I couldn’t burn the bridges between every one I cared about for you

me: stop the spin

Manatee: There is no spin

me: its funny how a little time and a lot of thinking can cloud your judgment
i asked you to burn every bridge! hillarious! ...look Manatee, you just came to terms with lying to me… stop lying to yourself! really! you should know by now that there is no emo reaction from me here… be happy but be honest

Manatee: You didn’t ask it. but there was no fixing at that point

me: i wonder if you are falling in the “say it till its true” trap here

Manatee: Ryan…There was a time when you looked at me and said that you didn’t think you were treating me right…
we were in your car
you were taking me home.

me: you dont have to convince me… REALLY! once i found out you were a liar, there was no convincing necessary.

Manatee: I am not a liar

me: not that that changes anything, im still ur friend
speaking of friends… DepressedGuy quit the group. im sure you know
haha

Manatee: He emailed me happy birthday…out of the blue, and said that he didn’t know how much longer he would be gaming
I don’t know why he would have done that though

me: your response
?

Manatee: I politely thanked him

me: how quickly you forget

Manatee: and said that I was sorry that I hadn’t been to game

me: no wonder he bailed on the group

Manatee: It has nothing to do with me…and if it does I didn’t know about it.
I haven’t spoken with him since that email.
he shouldn’t bail on the group on account of me…it doesn’t make any sense

me: but you dont lie, right? haha

Manatee: not at all
I never lied to you about that
I was afraid that you would take some sort of affront out on him for wishing me happy birthday so I didn’t say anything

me: u promised you would leave them alone and u responded
that irritates me

me: nice Manatee

Manatee: I can’t think why you are so irritated.

me: bc u lied again

Manatee: I never said that I promised. I said I would go on hiatus, but the words I promise never crossed my lips

me: thats fine
ill take care of it
next subject please

Manatee: God…you are so cold…

me: not for you, and we all know thats all that matters
cold? how so?

Manatee: Ryan, you only look out for yourself…there was only one time you really inconvenienced yourself on my behalf…ONE time.
You would never have stopped to give me a minute if it wasn’t on your way to someone else.

Manatee: And are working on your behest
This is where we are fundimentally different. I am not the one who only cares for myself.
You always have an agenda, and that is what you care about.
If I had been strong enough to be all in and not walk…you would have cheated on me at some point, and I would never have known until it was too late.

me: hahaha… cheated? who has the history of dishonesty? ive NEVER lied to you

Manatee: You have.

me: once about the leg
hahaha

Manatee: You said you werent
physical with vegan girl right before you said that you kissed her
spin the definition all you want
And I did love you
I stopped loving you before I realized it…my bad
There are no trades with you
You are going to do what you do, and spin what you spin
do whatever you want.

me: i gave you a test, an exit, and happiness
im not DOING anything

Manatee: What did I cost you…a couple casual fucks
God Ryan. I don’t believe you liked me. If you did you would have just been with me
There would have been no manipulation or tests
It is unnatural. and you have a whole new line up of women now

me: i do?

Manatee: Florida chick…and I am sure by now you have some new playthings

me: been snooping?

Manatee: No, you told me about florida
and I don’t know who else you have lined up. I know you are playing with Pegleg again, but you told me that
I don’t have time to snoop into your drama

me: im not hurting for attention, if thats what you are asking, btw

Manatee: I don’t understand why you would want me to be your friend. And for that to be ok, not to be DepressedGuy’s

me: im guessing that you dont want to be involved with “satan” as your fam calls me
so say it, its no big to me. not what i want but im good either way.

Manatee: Yes and no
Or no and yes

me: right
that makes sense

Manatee: I am glad you are happy, and that it didn’t hurt you. I am sorry that you think I am a liar, and that I dissappointed you.
me: how is that fair?
I am not poisoning your friends

me: and its not at all what i thought we agreed to

Manatee: I don’t talk to your friends about you or regarding you
and I barely talk to them

me: and barely is too much, for now. especially considering the last proposal

Manatee: I am not negotiating anything.
What are we negotiating?
This isn’t a custody battle
I am not trying to steal your friends

me: if you want out clean, give me clean… u live your life, and give me the absence from mine that will not make me think i have to mitigate damage you may have done

Manatee: what the hell are you talking about
You are fucking insane
DAMAGE
Really?

me: You quite plainly know that I am not insane. “The intellect is not a serious thing, and never has been. It is an instrument on which one plays, that is all.” -Wilde

Manatee: you really think I caused damage

me: not major damage, but some.

Manatee: You are a SOCIOPATH

me: everything leaves its marks

Manatee: how did I create damage

me: no mater how soft or subtle

Manatee: Because someone wants to be my friend?
That is damaging?
Because I am so sure I am going to ever interfere with you and your agendas
It makes me so angry that you think I am so untrustworthy

me: No. youre reading way too much into this

Manatee: I don’t understand what you are talking about with your damage

me: indulge me the damage i do, just for my conscience’s sake

Manatee: The people that I love will not tolerate your presence.
And some of them will not tolerate my involvement wiht you
in any capacity

me: even knowing that we are not in any intimate capacity?

Manatee: Correct

me: and you havent spoken on this?

Manatee: I have advised them that there is no continued risk to me emotionally, and that you would like to be friends…and they are not tolerant of this. I have reiterated that you have always followed through on what you have said you would do.
They do not trust you, and will not tolerate you.
And they cannot understand my tolerance of any part of the last 6 months.

me: and, I’m the sociopath? (sorry, had to slip one in)

Manatee: Ryan. You are self admittedly a sociopath

me: ...according to a facebook quiz
haha
i worked hard to make you comfortable with friendship
...pretty much all march, in fact.
i admire my work, but even hitting the target, i missed the mark

...I’ve had my share of girls parade in and in some cases run out since splitsville with the wifey.

The problem is, there is just no spark, with anyone… it seems. The more I think of it, I may be holding out for a perfect scenario as I may be a little gun shy now that I’m nearly through a negative relationship process.

I don’t know what it is that I want. I often say that I won’t remarry, or want more children… but if the right thing comes around, would I hold to that?

Do I want arm candy, or a fuckable mind? Do I want a partner in crime or a partner in chill?

There are a lot of things that I need to figure out, and as I reflect, when I reflect, I’m guessing it will be here.

What I can’t do forever is bounce between 2-5 girls and just keep filling time. It gets tiresome, boring, repetitive, and is not very fulfilling. But… until that lightning bolt hits, I guess it’s the best I can do for now.