be nicer to my kids

I’m back on track. I’m really trying and doing better. The kids are lovely and angelic as usual.
I found that, no matter what, around 7pm I start losing my patience. And it’s just on supper-bath-bed time. I explained that to the kids, and asked what they thought we could do. My oldest (five and a half) said: Mother, you don’t have to always be nice to us!
I looked at her with my mouth wide open, it took me half a minute to regain my ability to talk.

She deserves a better mother. Sometimes I wish she had one.
It’s not that I’m a bad mother. It’s not that I don’t love her to bits. It’s just that I don’t enjoy it. She deserves someone who would enjoy her, as she is so enjoyable. She deserves the best mother in the world.
And I would get to be some aunt or something. Her mother’s best friend or something. I would get to know her and love her and have a meaningful relationship with her without having to mother her.
I want to cry now, but I can’t. This is a new thing. Started last night. I’ve never had a problem crying!

She’s such an angle with everyone else, but with me she gets so upset, cries and shouts and screams horrible things at me. This sucks.

And they’ve been pretty nice to me.

Everything was a battle. My daughter woke up already with that complaining tone of voice I can’t stand. Everything was an argument, wew were runnign late, I stressed. Slowly it has intensified into a screaming contest (I win, but not easily). We dropped my son at his preschool, usually he’s happy to stay there, but this morning – with me and daughter screaming all the way in – I wasn’t surprised he didn’t want to stay and cried as we left.
More screams…
We headed off to my daughter’s preschool, argued some more on the way, calmed down slowly into a miserable silence, and then I drove straight into a very busy junction at red light, not understanding why everyone was driving over me. I almost killed us. I don’t know how that happened. I was driving, didn’t look at the light, it changed and I didn’t stop. I was crying when I dropped her off, saying “Oh no, oh no” without ability to stop. She said goodbye very well, which she sometimes doesn’t, feeling that this time is different. I went outside, phoned my partner bowling, asked him to calm me down, which he did, my sweet love.
I’m waiting to stay alone in the office and I’m going to phone preschool and talk to her, just to tell her I love her.
“Mommy’s sorry she almost killed you”.
Oy.

My daughter does not argue as much with my partner’s daughter; generally she is in a much better mood and has far less tantrums than before (trying to remember – could it really be only one last week?); my partner and my daughter are getting along better.
She is so ready to love him, but he was so upset about her behaviour. I told him jently (I hope it was jently) that this was a vicious cycle. He didn’t like to be told that, but I have to say he’s been so much better since, and so was she. I love them both so much.

I was patient, I was fun, I taught my daughter to stand on her hands, and when she went into a fit, I managed to amuse her out of it. Well, until some hour in the afternoon when I became too tired and have had enough. Then I started bursting.
She has a terrible time saying goodbye in the morning.
sigh.

about my daughter’s horrible times, and yesterday was already so much better. I tried hard and so did she. She’s the greatest, really.

My daughter – who is usually the nicest kid I know – is going through a horrible phase. She is really abnoxious. Cries all the time, bursts at me every few minutes. I’m not completely blameless – I’ve been impatience lately. Or it may have to do with the terrible friend from kindergarten who told her he didn’t love her anymore (WHAT???) and it may be because of the recent move – we’ve moved in with my boyfriend and it’s not going very well at the moment. Or it may be this, or it may be that, we always look for reasons and explanations, and fact is children go through phases and it’s always automatically the mother’s fault and that’s that!

My son loves to be tickled, likes to play pick-a-boo and sing songs. It’s easy to make im laugh, and he laughs from the bottom of his heart, it’s so adorable! My daughter is older and more complex, she loves to draw togeter, art projects, she loves to go outside to play, she makes up stories.
I sit down and read the paper and when they come to me wanting to play, I say: yeah, in a minute, or: later, or: grrrraaaawww go away little cab.
Could have been so much more fun if I could find the energy to be more playful with them. They are fun kids, they are. How can they not be, carryig my fun genes as they do (end of sarcasm).