figure it out

I’m in unbelievable pain.

I’m giving myself this week to hope against hope. I’m not even sure what it is I’m hoping for. Then that’s that.

I’m 37, a woman with some self-respect, in love with a man who won’t give me anything. I’m a cliche. I’m in a place I never thought I would be. I thought that by avoiding married men I’m keeping safe, but obviously no.
I talked to him yesterday. I don’t know what will happen. The jury is out… not mine, his. He should decide if I’m important to him. Isn’t that nice? Don’t I deserve to be with someone who can answer that question witout taking a week to consider? After 8 f---g years, excuse my hyphenation?
I feel like a door mat. This was not supposed to be like that.

Some sort of a resolution. I don’t know what type, yet. But they’re coming. I think.

and since I’ve been complaining about him so much, I should certainly say this: I apreciate the fact that I can talk to him, and he listens, and relates, adn does not become defensive.

If I meet, entriely by chance, my boyfriend of over seven years, in a caffe; and at the same moment he meets, also by chance, someone, who I think was a member of his company’s board of directors (though I can’t be sure, I was not properly introduced!) – an important man, granted, but I am also rather important; am I not right to expect to be recognised and acknowledged, in fron of Mr. Important? Shouldn’t I even expect something like “Edi, this is Almog, my girlfriend”?
I may not be normal, I may not be surrounded by normalcy, and I may not know what normal is. But I do believe that in a normal relationship, one would do that. Actually, Mrs. Important (I can only assume that’s who she was, of course) was there, and I don’t think she was ignored one bit! And that put a painful gap between us! (Is this the fact that I’m only a girlfriend, not a wife? To me that’s a technicality!)
Or I may be wrong about normalcy, but so what? That’s what I expect, regardless of normalcy! If I am not to be normal, and not to have a normal relationship, why can’t I ever be above normal? Why always subnormal? I am an above-normal person!
Or is he ashamed of me?
Why do we never meet any of his friends?
I’m not someone to be ashamed of, though I may not be the coolest, prettiest, best dressed person. I will not be in a second-rate relationship! I will not be made to feel that I am!
I am intelligent! Good looking! Funny! Supportive! Affectionate!
He should be proud of me. I absolutly expect and demand that.

What should I expect? Am I overreacting? Was i really mistreated just then? If I had friends, I could run it by them and ask what they were thinking. As it is, I can only run it in my mind over and over and it doesn’t get clearer.
Boyfriend issues, obviously. It’s usually that.
I need someone on my side. I’m all alone.

1. We are a totally different social class now! I’m a Wallis Simpson.
2. Compared to him, I’m such a failure.
3. On the hard times, I tried to be the person to whom he came for support and reassurance. Now… I feel unimportant.
4. A major source of stress for me these days, is money. Now obviously I can’t talk to him about it! What would it sound like? So now I can’t talk to my boyfriend about a major source of stress…
5. Extension of 4, and one of the embarassing ones: before the big money, I could be really nice to him, just because I loved him. And I think I was! Now, when I’m really nice, does it not seem suspicious? Like I’m trying to get something?.. Do you know what I mean?.. and I don’t, I really don’t. But don’t I become an obvious suspect?
Oh, no, that’s impossible, how can a relationship be maintained under these circumstances?!
A part of me knows that this is all nonsense, and that everything is simple. But I can’t get the other parts to shut up.
And I’d like to say that these are all my very own sick ideas, he has done nothing to deserve such unkind thoughts. Shame on me. And I have the nerve to write that I’m nice to him. Double-shame!

...but what was actually done in that bed, I will not detail.
(I’m a mother. Mothers only go to bed to sleep. Mistery solved!)
Now that I got your attention (and no obscure Israely politics in site…)
My boyfriend has sold his start-up. Finally, after years of hard work, stress and sometimes down right suffering. I’m so happy for him!
Now, of course I knew there would be something nice in it for him. But topmost on my mind were these thoughts:
1. Finally he can stop working so hard!
2. And going to so many business trips that he hates and that prevent us from seeing eachother more.
3. How nice it is to see him smile again, after years, and how I wish I would see that more often now.
4. How I will be compensated for the hard times now. So now you know I’m not entirely selfless… I don’t think love can ever or should ever be entirely selfless. But I do really care about his well being.
(I ment things like time, and attention, in this last item, yes?)
But people asked me: how much did he get? and I realised, I didn’t know; not that I would tell them if I knew, but I became curious, and so I asked him, and he told me.
And now this figure is running around in my head, bumping into walls, raising super-confusing thoughts. I can’t even word them, as they are different and contradictory and some of them, embarassing. I will only say that some of them say that everything is great and nothing is changed (except maybe more time and less stress), and others don’t.

I am with my boyfriend, because he is the best person I know and I can’t imagine myself with anybody else.
He’ll never lie, he’ll never do anything against his own declared principles, like so many people do. He’s always responsible and dependable. He’s a serious man, but he makes me laugh like nobody else can. He gives me lots of emotional support, and you may have noticed, I need a lot of that. He always stands by me. He won’t let anyone hurt me. I can always trust him.
He can’t make me accept myself. That’s not his job, that’s mine. Sometimes I feel that I want him to express more affection, but if he did, would that be enough? Wouldn’t I just want more? He can’t be responsible for my self esteem.
Still, some things are very difficult.