control myself

I decided to give myself one week for dellusional hope and fantasy. I try to imagine him tell me: Of course you’re important to me! I love you, I don’t want us to break up, let’s find a way to work it out!
But it’s hard, because:
When I asked him straight up if I was important to him, he didn’t answer.
When I asked him what he wanted, he said he didn’t know.
When I asked him if he was willing to commit to working it out, he said he had to think about it.
It was so many years since he last told me he loved me, I can’t imagine him say it.
Oh, so much pain. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just have a boyfriend who loves me and is happy to be with me?

And it makes me feel better already. And tomorrow is the weekend, in which I can let go a little, in a controlled way. And next week I will go the next step, and add the goal “face a fear once a week”. Control helps alleviate anxiety, is my reasoning.

And now I feel I deserve a prise, but none is available. Long story. Will tell another day, becasue right now, to finish the day nicely, I need to go to sleep on time (it’s time, over here).

the time I go to bed. Now.

As a result, I am constantly struggling between too much control and to little, where it is never clear whether I’m letting go, or just controlling control itself. I am an anxious person, control helps. I will not apologise for being a controller. I embrace my inner control freak. I will not attempt to control control!
I have been good these days at controlling my expenses, and my various workouts. I will be better at controlling the state of the flat and food. Certainly food.