Stop hurting myself

not to bang my head on the wall just now. I’m so totally beating myself up.
And for the most stupid reason. Because I knit 18 inches instead of 14 and now have trouble undoing it. These things happen, why do I hate myself so much? I’m in my thirties, not my teens!
I can’t do anything right.
Yes I can. I can. I…
I can stop beating myself up. That would be something right. And not easy at all.
I’m so lonely now.
But tomorrow my boyfriend comes back and we’ll have a few hours to spend together.
I can’t tell him how lonely I feel and how close I am to dive into self loathing. I can’t tell him how judged I feel with him. With everybody. All the time. Alone at home with myself just now, becasue I’m not fit for anything. I can’t talk to him about these things. He’ll just judge me more.
That’s why I have my blog and my 43t.
I seem to do nothing but mistakes.
Not true. I do lots of good things. I helped a friend who needed help yesterday. I helped my kids out of the bad phase.
Into which I pushed them.
That was an innocent mistake.

I have no love for myself at the moment. I need help. I need someone to love me so I don’t have to, because I don’t think I can.
I can, I can.
It’s so empty here. There’s no one but me, I don’t like me.
I do really.
All I did was knit a few inches too many. That’s no reason to cry like this. I need help.

“Human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind.”
Just got that on that little quote zone on the right. Where is the “cheer this” button so I can cheer William James?

the taking-all-the-wrong-turns because my head was elsewhere, and the moody kids and the sick kids and the fact that half my chin is twice its size and blue because of the fall and that I have trouble moving my shoulders. HA! I’m enjoying this, you hear? This is fun, you hear?

Edit:
And the hot water boiler is broken. Fun-fun-fun!!!!!

I am made of iron. It’s true. You can’t beat me.
I will not only take it. I will not only take it standing up. I will take it standing up, holding my head up and singing at the top of my vooooooooooice!!!!
I will not only endure it, I will enjoy it!!!!
I will take all the history-of-men-who-don’t-love-me-enough, the no-money, the loneliness, the nasty fall-on-the-face during running this morning, and you’ll see you can’t beat meeeee!!!!!!

When you take it standing up, holding your head up and singing at the top of your voice
what song will you sing
what song will you sing

If I think about these things that hurt me again and again, they will stop hurting. Or not.

Why can’t my partner realise that if he has a partner like me, he should be grateful, and work hard to keep me? I realise that about him!
He’s all moody again and wants to be alone and went home. I bowled ny eyes out, of course: I get to have a good stretch of time with him every other weekend, and he wants to be alone. I deserve better than this! I was so much happier when I was alone, I swear.
Hey!
So, it’s like I’m alone again for a while! I’ll better use it well and enjoy it. Bye!

Everyone around me indulges in hurting me, why should I be the only one not to?

I will have to start facing the possibility that my partner is one of these things that are hurting me and will have to go.
This was supposed to be so perfect.

Now I will punish myself for doing that, haha (evil laugh).

I should not only stop inflicting pain upon myself, I should dismiss from my life anything that causes me pain. I do not accept pain! There is no room in my life for pain! I am the woman who left her husband when she was pregnant, I am not someone who can be intimidated by change. I am commited to the elimination of pain. But how? What do I do? I have mustered the courage, now I need the insight.