accept myself

Because it’s a constant reminder of all my failures.
I’m paralised, I’m incompetent, and I’m failing in so many of my goals all at the same time.
I’m not good for anything.
At the moment! At the moment! Not good for anything at the moment!
Now, I do accept myself, everyone goes through times like this, basically I’m still the same talented, productive person who went to the most expensive high school in Israel because she was so smart.
Just tell the bank that.
Or just tell some potential employers. I’m smart. I’m good. I’m nice. Why don’t they believe me?
I’m a talented person who’s been through bad circumstances. I’m a good partner in a difficult relationship. I’m a loving mother who’s just been having trouble dealing with the rest of her life for a long time. I’m good. I’ll find a way to prove it, one of these days, I’m sure I will.
I’m going to crawl into bed and cry it out and maybe sleep it out (no children today).
Sorry for all the cheers and support I haven’t been giving lately. It’s just that looking at my goal list makes me so sad. Hugs to everyone, I’m always thinking about you, I’ll be back soon with knitting needles flashing and clicking and baking soda in my hair.

that I am somtimes very unhappy.
I accept that I sometimes hate myself.
I accept that I sometimes beat myself up and hurt myself.
I accept that I sometimes don’t accept myelf.
I accept that I sometimes fail.
I accept that all these goals and all this self-improvement is just a way of dealing with my basic sense of inadequacy.
I accept that I am screwed up, a little.

I will now indulge in hating myself until I’ve had enough, because it’s what I want to do and I sometimes am allowed to do things that are bad for me because I want to. Then I’ll feel better.

when I really do suck?

Of course I can like myself. Why not? I’m very likable! I’m a nice person. There are at least twenty things to like about me. If I were my partner, I’d have been thankful for having a partner like me. For all I know, he may be. Why wouldn’t he? He must be! I’m pretty sure he is, coming to think about it. I’m nice, I’m clever, I’m funny if one likes that sort of humour, I’m good looking and attractive (yes!) (if one likes that sort of look). I’m a nice, eccentric person! You can’t but like a nice, eccentric person.

the first thing that goes is my preception of how I look. I feel fat and I feel ugly. Then I look at the mirror and I say: wait, it’s not so bad. Then I look away and immediately I’m sure that I’m repulsive.

I really do, at the moment. I’d have cross it off, but it may still become harder in the future, I will need this goal as a constant reinder.

I am I. Incredibly smart and unbelievably stupid. A very couragous horrible-coward. A bad good-friend, likewise a daughter, a mother, a partner (actually I think I’m a good bad-partner, as opposite to all the rest). A fairly good software engineer, a sucky application engineer, not an algorythmitian although I could be one if I learned it, messy but trying to organize, a thin fat-woman. No worse than many.

I will always pay more than I have to and pe paid less, because I can’t bargain.

struggle with my diet.
struggle with being organized.
have bad teeth.
misplace things.
I can struggle, I do struggle, but I will never change.

I will never be outgoing. I will never be simple. I will never be calm. I need to accept that.